#098: Why Asking for Help Feels So Hard, and How to Make It Easier

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Dwight: Welcome to another edition of Community and Becoming, For the Love of Creatives podcast, and I'm your Connections and Community Guy host, Dwight.

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Dwight: And today, you're in for a treat.

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Dwight: You're going to have me in your earbuds or on your YouTube screen, and we're going to walk through a little something together.

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Dwight: I'll start with a question.

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Dwight: Have you ever known what would help you do better, and still hesitated to ask for it?

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Dwight: Maybe… You wanted the… you wanted the discussion question before a meeting.

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Dwight: Maybe you wanted feedback on an early draft of something you were working on. Or maybe you just needed 10 minutes with someone who could help you think.

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Dwight: But before you asked, you heard yourself thinking, shouldn't I be able to do this on my own?

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Dwight: Today, we're gonna turn one of those moments into a clear request.

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Dwight: What changes?

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Dwight: When you stop asking someone to make you feel confident.

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Dwight: And start asking for something that helps you contribute.

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Dwight: Recently, we explored the conditions that help us contribute well.

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Dwight: Today, We're looking at… What to do when one of those conditions involves needing another person?

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Dwight: Okay.

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Dwight: I'm going to share with you a little story that's easy to relate to, that's going to demonstrate

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Dwight: How it is that… I had a need, and this is something… very,

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Dwight: Close to my heart and rather salient because It's very practical.

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Dwight: I have several pairs of glasses, and there was… there is a particular pair that breaks at the stems. I think they're designed to come apart because

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Dwight: They're supposed to have interchangeable stems on them, and…

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Dwight: There's a certain trick to getting them done. Well, I go to this one place that works on my glasses, and of course, I can bring them in and say, hey, look, my…

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Dwight: My eyeglasses are… have fallen apart. I can't figure out how to put them together. Could you…

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Dwight: Put them together for me.

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Dwight: And then, right away, he'll just…

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Dwight: It looks like he just puts them in his hands, and he does something where, in just a quick motion.

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Dwight: the glasses are whole again, and they work perfectly well. I put them on.

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Dwight: I can spend hours trying to get the two parts to come together and it just doesn't work. I don't know how they hook together. I don't know exactly what's going on.

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Dwight: Well, a better thing for me to do would be next time I go in. And I am going to have to go in again soon because somehow they fell apart in the case.

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Dwight: And I'm going to say to him, okay, look, I've seen you put these together several times.

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Dwight: And you seem to do it without any effort, I can't figure it out.

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Dwight: Could you walk me through it step by step, so that… When I need these classes.

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Dwight: I have them, and I don't have to wait for your shop to open.

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Dwight: I'll take notes, just… just show me. Step 1, step 2, step 3, and…

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Dwight: And we'll go through it. I know it's that few, because you seem to do it with a quickness.

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Dwight: You see how I'm asking for exactly what I want? And here's the deal. He can say no.

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Dwight: I don't think that there's any trade secret with it, and I don't think he's gatekeeping, but maybe he's just not in the mood that day. I won't take offense, because the way that he's able to do it so quickly, I could probably just go to another shop and have someone show me, and they'd be perfectly willing. I can just…

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Dwight: go through the no's until I get a yes, and someone shows me the instructions.

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Dwight: So, looking at that example, You can see how.

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Dwight: I used a level of specificity for asking for exactly what I want.

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Dwight: And that's key. One of the problems that we run into is that maybe we can say that we have a need, or there's something that we want, but we're not specific enough to make it actionable.

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Dwight: And that can be rather frustrating to someone who receives that request, because, let's face it, people are busy, and they've got stuff going on. We don't need to get stuck in the stories that we might tell about

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Dwight: How it's about me and oh, there's something wrong with me because they won't they won't help. It may just be that they don't have enough of the information to let them know.

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Dwight: This is a thing that I've got that can help you, and it's no skin off my nose. It's appropriate for the relationship, and we it just makes sense to do it.

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Dwight: We gotta give people enough to know what's going on. This is a lesson that I pulled from

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Dwight: Nora McInerney's The Young Hot Widows Club that just had to do with the way that people move through grief, the way that people that are trying to support them might be trying to show up, but sometimes they just don't know what to do. Let's face it, it's when people…

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Dwight: Die?

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Dwight: It's a hard time for everyone involved, and…

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Dwight: It is a place where you're going to pick up the skills to navigate

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Dwight: How to deal with some things that are difficult under the best of circumstances.

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Dwight: Add to it the emotional soup that the person that was closest to the departed might feel.

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Dwight: And just the way that people are trying their best to Do what might help.

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Dwight: It's… it can be… it can be rough.

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Dwight: And… That book, I highly recommend that.

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Dwight: Everyone read it, because it prepares you for how to show up for people when they might need you the most, and it can be a source of comfort, as it was for me, as I was grieving one of the most difficult losses of my life.

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Dwight: Back to what it is to ask for specificity in a request.

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Dwight: A request?

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Dwight: Your request for support can be… Exactly…

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Dwight: Well, it needs to be precise, and it needs to label the conditions for you to contribute.

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Dwight: Now, I'm going to say something a little controversial.

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Dwight: And this is born out of an appreciation I have for some of the writings of Benjamin Hardy and Dan Sullivan. Dan Sullivan is

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Dwight: rather famous for having this whole rant that he's done about the difference between needs and wants. And I can encapsulate it in saying that the difference between a need mentality and a want mentality is

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Dwight: For needs, it's kind of a fixed…

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Dwight: resources situation. You have to justify what it is that you need, and for some people, that's the reality. Some of you listening might be living in that, so let me expand your bubble just a little bit.

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Dwight: If we look at things from a wants.

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Dwight: Mentality, a different… a want frame.

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Dwight: It emboldens you to ask for what you want, without justification. You just state that you want it.

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Dwight: And you want it because you want it. It's not because you deserve it. You're saying what you want.

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Dwight: And it's… this isn't just a semantic

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Dwight: play on words. It's a whole different way of thinking.

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Dwight: Wanting comes from a mindset of there being abundance, of there being possibility.

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Dwight: And it's a much healthier frame to, go about…

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Dwight: Putting requests in front of people.

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Dwight: So we're going to talk about the mechanics of some of those things, but I want to plant those seeds as we continue this discussion.

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Dwight: brian: It's just a little something to have in the back of your mind as we go through this.

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Dwight: Robbie Wyler, So, let me throw out a hypothetical, and I'm going to…

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Dwight: be sure to lay on that frame of wants as I'm saying this. Imagine saying.

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Dwight: I want more support.

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Dwight: The other person may care deeply about you, and have no clue what to do.

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Dwight: Now, I mean, now I want you to… Imagine, same scenario, but… You're going to have…

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Dwight: Some more magic words that you're going to say.

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Dwight: You're gonna say… I want to bring a useful recommendation to Thursday's discussion.

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Dwight: Could you send me the decision question by Wednesday, so I can prepare?

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Dwight: Now, it's not just that we've added a whole bunch more words, we've added more context.

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Dwight: We've painted a picture in their mind, walked them through exactly what we needed.

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Dwight: That tells them what we're… what you're trying to contribute, and what you're asking them to do.

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Dwight: Like, you're giving them a list of things. Now, here's the beautiful thing, it's a It's a closed-ended question.

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Dwight: Which is useful in this scenario, because you need to know if they can or they can't, because if they can't, you can ask someone else.

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Dwight: This is asking for what you want.

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Dwight: Now… You don't have to earn the right to, to ask for what you want.

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Dwight: And I want to hold two things in mind at the same time.

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Dwight: We want to honor the appropriateness of the relationship.

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Dwight: Because you're not just going to walk up to some random stranger and start rattling off your specific needs. They will think you are crazy, and probably rightfully so.

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Dwight: But… Okay.

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Dwight: When you are going to approach someone that is empowered to give you the tools that you need to complete something that is important and pressing.

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Dwight: You need to give them.

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Dwight: As much as… as much as you can, the ingredients, the recipe, the… the steps that they need, you need to give them a map so that they are

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Dwight: Confident that they can help you, and they don't feel like there's obstacles in their way, or they're, you know, you don't want to overwhelm them, because

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Dwight: As we all know, everyone is busy enough.

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Dwight: Now, I… I like to shy away from

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Dwight: From jargon and things that are controversial, but…

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Dwight: Anyone who has listened to me for a while knows that I am incredibly enthusiastic about the things that I've learned through Exchange, especially around the philosophy and the tools of appreciative inquiry.

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Dwight: And we're not going to have…

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Dwight: any kind of a… a run-through of all the principles here, but I want to give you something that's bite-sized and practical that you can use as you carry it into these scenarios where

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Dwight: There might be a particular.

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Dwight: Desire that you have, in order to Complete a specific task.

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Dwight: Well, with that… with your own specificity, you need to…

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Dwight: Make sure that you report out to those who are able to help you exactly what you need.

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Dwight: Now, I want you to think back to a time when there was something that.

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Dwight: Something that worked really well.

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Dwight: And I want you to understand what helped. I want you to pull it apart. Put yourself…

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Dwight: In the scenario where you had all the tools that you need, and everything just worked.

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Dwight: And I want you to… look around. What was happening? What is that story? Now, this is where

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Dwight: We're going to play in the theater of your mind as you're going through this.

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Dwight: And… I want to give just a little bit of a moment for you to

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Dwight: Put yourself in that setting.

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Dwight: And… Inhabit what it was that.

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Dwight: was great about This scenario that you're imagining that worked.

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Dwight: Because we're going to carry it forward.

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Dwight: Now, I'm going to…

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Dwight: Just for the sake of having a thread that we can follow, use a hypothetical writing request scenario.

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Dwight: So… Go ahead.

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Dwight: Today's request, writing practice, is my way of applying the idea of

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Dwight: Pulling together, pulling forward something that worked really well, and adding a component of asking for what you want to help you

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Dwight: Move what you're doing to the next level, to move it forward.

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Dwight: So think of a time someone's support helped you contribute.

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Dwight: What did they actually do?

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Dwight: Was it that they asked a useful question?

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Dwight: Did they clarify a decision?

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Dwight: Did they listen to an unfinished idea or did they roll up their sleeves and take time to really dig in and work beside you?

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Dwight: Which part of that support would be useful now?

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Dwight: And it may be multiple things, but…

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Dwight: What would be most useful now?

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Dwight: So I'm going to give you a frame now that I want you to use. If you're in a space where you can write.

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Dwight: Let's just make 3 spaces on a page.

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Dwight: three different headings. So the first heading is going to be, name the contribution.

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Dwight: Okay, leave some room.

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Dwight: And the next heading will be, Name the Help.

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Dwight: Okay?

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Dwight: And the final heading will be, Make the Ask.

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Dwight: So, under Name the Contribution.

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Dwight: What are you trying to do?

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Dwight: Share.

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Dwight: understand, Or decide.

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Dwight: All right.

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Dwight: Under Name the Help.

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Dwight: What could another person actually do that would help?

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Dwight: And under Make the Ask.

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Dwight: Who is an appropriate person to ask?

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Dwight: And what would a manageable request sound like?

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Dwight: And that's your thinking space, your scratch pad for working through a request that's going to result in

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Dwight: Pointing you toward the things that will get you the resources that you need to contribute effectively.

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Dwight: So, here's a few things that you could… use as…

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Dwight: The outputs from those things that you think through from those three headings.

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Dwight: So underneath them, you're going to have a word stem that's the result of your thinking on the page that says, I am working toward

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Dwight: X.

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Dwight: And you'll form your request. It's going to start something like, would you be willing to… X.

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Dwight: By why.

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Dwight: Right? So, would you be willing to do that thing that I need Bye.

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Dwight: this deadline. And the deadline's optional. We'll talk through that. So, let me give an example. For instance, so we could write on our page after we've done our thinking, I'm trying to make the opening of this piece clearer.

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Dwight: Would you be willing to read the first page?

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Dwight: And tell me where your interest rises or drops.

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Dwight: So Notice there wasn't a deadline in that example, but…

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Dwight: it should be such a light lift for the person that I'm asking that to read a page, they could probably just go through it, or, you know, they can tell me, oh yeah, I'll put that on my to-do.

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Dwight: So let's think about what it would look like in a typical workplace.

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Dwight: I want to contribute a considered perspective in our discussion.

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Dwight: Could we have two minutes to write down our thoughts before we begin sharing?

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Dwight: That sounds pretty… Low stakes? It doesn't, use up a lot of time.

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Dwight: And, again, it frames it in such a way that

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Dwight: The person running the meeting can say yes or no.

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Dwight: Now, if you're driving or doing something that needs your attention.

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Dwight: Return to this later. Otherwise.

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Dwight: Pause here and try one sentence.

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Dwight: All right.

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Dwight: So, if you've had a chance to work through the exercise, great. If you're driving, I hope you kept your eyes on the road, and you didn't run over any mailboxes.

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Dwight: Now, I want you to appreciate that a clear request Doesn't guarantee a yes.

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Dwight: It just gives you something specific to discuss.

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Dwight: when you're formulating your requests, I know I've given you the scratch pad of

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Dwight: How to get there from the things that you need, and… or the things that you want, and how to.

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Dwight: evaluate.

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Dwight: How to put together a specific request, but…

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Dwight: I need you to put it through some…

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Dwight: Mental gates that you're going to use as you're… you're preparing to actually

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Dwight: make this request. So, the first of these is…

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Dwight: Is the person that you're going to ask.

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Dwight: The appropriate person.

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Dwight: And this could be based on a lot of things, like…

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Dwight: Is it someone that you've built a rapport with, you have a little bit of a relationship, and there's some vulnerability that's been shared? Or is it just some random person that you have seen on a street corner once?

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Dwight: Is this request specific enough that they can respond?

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Dwight: Is it… Proportionate to the relationship and the situation.

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Dwight: All right.

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Dwight: I know, may tell you about someone's time, their capacity, their role.

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Dwight: Or their… or their willingness to…

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Dwight: to contribute a bit, but don't get too caught up in it. You don't have to decide immediately that a no

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Dwight: Says anything other than, No. Or, not now.

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Dwight: We don't know what's going on with someone, and if they're saying no, it's probably because

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Dwight: They are rather stretched with their own resources and they they just can't accept it. It's okay. It's not about you.

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Dwight: It's just that… for whatever reason, They can't.

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Dwight: Circle back, it'll be fine.

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Dwight: And not every situation is solved by asking more clearly.

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Dwight: If the issue is a harmful pattern or an unmet obligation.

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Dwight: A request isn't going to magically fix it.

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Dwight: There, there may be other Other things that may need to happen.

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Dwight: So… hmm.

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Dwight: If we want to talk about this in terms of.

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Dwight: leadership and community.

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Dwight: Here's, something to consider. So, if you lead people.

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Dwight: There's another side to this.

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Dwight: How easy is it for someone to tell you?

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Dwight: What would help them contribute?

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Dwight: We got to hold up that mirror and, and think about.

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Dwight: How it is that… Things land when we're on the receiving end.

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Dwight: And…

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Dwight: After hearing this, perhaps you have some material to help someone to form sharper requests that can make it so that

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Dwight: You… are better empowered to help them because they can say more clearly exactly what they need.

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Dwight: Now, if I was in a workshop.

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Dwight: I would apply this by saying something like.

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Dwight: Think of the time this group worked well together.

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Dwight: What support made a difference?

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Dwight: And what could make it easier to ask for?

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Dwight: And for my art-centered creatives who are listening.

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Dwight: You don't need a formal leadership role to practice this.

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Dwight: You can ask a collaborator something like.

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Dwight: What would help you bring your best thinking to this?

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Dwight: It's simple.

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Dwight: You may still feel nervous, but now.

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Dwight: You're not asking someone to solve your entire relationship with confidence. You're asking for one specific thing that

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Dwight: Could help you contribute.

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Dwight: The smaller the pieces, the easier it is to… Arrive at yes or no.

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Dwight: Now, and the thought exercise at the top.

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Dwight: You identified what you're trying to do.

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Dwight: Named what would help.

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Dwight: And formed a request.

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Dwight: Your next step is to decide whether, when.

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Dwight: And who you're gonna use it with.

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Dwight: At For the Love of Creatives, we serve heart-centered creatives who want to move from surviving in isolation to thriving in community.

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Dwight: Part of that is learning to ask for support and learning how to offer it.

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Dwight: If you'd like help preparing a conversation like this, we're helping your team practice it together.

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Dwight: Use the contact links that we have in the show notes.

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Dwight: We can explore what would be useful.

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Dwight: And whether working together is a fit.