#084: Creating When You’re Afraid of Being Judged (And Why No One’s Really Keeping Score)

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Dwight: Thank you for joining me, Dwight, your solo connections and community guy for this edition of

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Dwight: connections. I'm sorry, community and becoming.

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Dwight: from for the love of creatives.

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Dwight: If you stay with me for the next few minutes, you'll hear… you'll feel less alone, and you'll,

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Dwight: You'll have a way of dealing with your fear of judgment and be more equipped to share your work in community instead of hiding it in isolation.

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Dwight: I get that we all have those moments where we have that that tension, that desire to want to share something that we've worked really hard for, but also that fear of how it's going to be received.

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Dwight: And that's only normal.

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Dwight: I get it. I know that when I first started

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Dwight: doing more things on social media, it was something new that I had to figure out, and…

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Dwight: I could see that there were a lot of a lot of people, a lot of sources that were telling me, oh, social media is a really big deal and it can either pump you up or completely ruin you overnight. So no pressure there, right?

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Dwight: Oh my gosh!

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Dwight: And I can get that. You might be in that place where maybe you've put something together, and it doesn't have to be social media. It could be some other high stakes context. But there's always the point where you have to make it public. You have to actually make it real, make it go live.

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Dwight: and that can be scary. That can be really frightening, because

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Dwight: you might have done everything that you could to make sure that everything was buttoned up. There were no errors, and

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Dwight: It's not until you actually make it real that you discover something tragic.

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Dwight: And… here's the deal. We all have those things that we worry about, but

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Dwight: You've had so much time to… Sit in it, that…

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Dwight: you're going to see things that other people will have no idea. You will have to point it out!

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Dwight: And for the most part, people generally aren't that interested.

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Dwight: No one is stalking you and studying you and looking at every single thing that you do and picking it apart and scrutinizing it.

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Dwight: So it's to your advantage to just put more stuff out there, and if you've got something that's really horrible, that bombs, or is offensive, or…

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Dwight: Potentially get you canceled!

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Dwight: The best strategy is to just put more work out there.

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Dwight: Plain and simple.

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Dwight: So if you find yourself in that place where you're really sweating, making your work public, publishing it, making it real.

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Dwight: I want to join you in what's going to be a pointed conversation.

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Dwight: And we can look at ways that we can feel better about actually making work.

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Dwight: and not being So wrapped up in things that don't matter, not losing so much energy.

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Dwight: Suffering from so much stress.

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Dwight: Over things that… In the grand scheme of things.

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Dwight: No one's really that wrapped up in.

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Dwight: So I want to talk about that tug of war between wanting things to be more visible and also.

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Dwight: dreading the fact that you might be in the spotlight. It's like we're on… we all have to deal with both sides of that coin.

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Dwight: And… Here's the deal.

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Dwight: In this world, where there are so many distractions, it's a struggle to get your work seen.

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Dwight: And we're also terrified that the moment that it does capture the spotlight, it's because of something embarrassing. I think back.

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Dwight: Years ago, in 2001, there were a series of short films that BMW

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Dwight: had put out, where they had Hollywood directors that promoted promoted their cars.

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Dwight: The first of them was one that featured Madonna.

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Dwight: playing a… really, hyped-up version of herself, and this film was directed by her then-husband, Guy Ritchie.

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Dwight: Where she was just this.

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Dwight: This superstar, this diva, that was very demanding and…

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Dwight: There was a… a driver, played, I believe, by Clive Owen, in a way that would have made Jason Statham proud.

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Dwight: And the way that this little ad ran, there were all of these incredible stunts in an urban scene, where you see the car flying through the air, and at the very end.

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Dwight: You see this…

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Dwight: diva that's dumped out of the car, and she's so scared by the whole experience that when she's at a red carpet event, you see that she just wets her expensive gown and outfit, and then it closes with the flashbulbs from all the paparazzi.

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Dwight: So I share this ad and it's worth worth looking up.

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Dwight: because I think that we all have that fear of being in that place where we are caught in the same light as this diva that spills out onto the carpet, having soiled herself and ruined her makeup, and having everything that she's worked so hard to build come crashing down on her.

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Dwight: There's a little bit of karma in that ad, too, because the way that Madonna played it up, that that woman had it coming.

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Dwight: Anyway… We… We don't have to wrestle with that fear of being good enough, because

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Dwight: It doesn't matter who you are. You're only as good as the last thing that you put out. That's all that people have the capacity to remember.

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Dwight: It tragic. I I get it. But.

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Dwight: there's an… there's something that's a hill that I'll die on with this as well.

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Dwight: I practice in public. I have lots and lots of iterations. And for those that just know me for this podcast, there's also a newsletter that we put out where I practice with some video content.

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Dwight: And, that newsletter also has another iteration where it's on Substack that's accompanied by, a little message that frames it, and…

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Dwight: There are things that I do on each of the different platforms, not just to promote the podcast, because that stuff is out there. If you look up For the Love of Creatives, you're going to see a lot of stuff. If you look up Dwight Spencer or Authentic Dwight on many platforms.

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Dwight: you're going to see me framing different pieces of content that I'm doing, where I'm testing out

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Dwight: portions that are talks that I'm going to deliver, or ideas that I have about certain things, or observations.

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Dwight: The reason I do that is because I need to practice in a lab where there's a little bit of safety. There's segmentation in each of the different areas, and I see how it performs, and I look at it as data.

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Dwight: I don't get really hung up on it.

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Dwight: Some of the pieces.

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Dwight: don't see the light of day. And here's another weird thing. Sometimes, I can have something that is nearly invisible in one place, but blows up in another, and it's the exact same thing. No rhyme or reason.

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Dwight: There's no logic to it. People just have their eyeballs tuned to one place because of whatever's going on in their lives, and I have 0 control over that.

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Dwight: So I have zero stress about it.

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Dwight: we need to spend a little time sitting with a little bit of a reframe on how we we think about

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Dwight: What it is that… comes back as feedback, and

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Dwight: How that relates to our self-worth.

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Dwight: This is going to…

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Dwight: make logical sense, but I think that a lot of us might have a hard time metabolizing this.

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Dwight: But I'm gonna say it anyway.

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Dwight: You need to treat others' reactions as feedback on the work.

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Dwight: Leave it there.

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Dwight: And not a verdict on your worth.

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Dwight: It's really hard because we get in our head, we see all of the ways that if you're looking at one of the scrolls and you've you've posted something there and you're getting the hearts and the the smiley faces and the likes and, you know, the comments that are just emojis.

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Dwight: In some cultures, I'm pretty sure that those might mean something significant.

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Dwight: but I…

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Dwight: I have not caught that train. I do not understand all of them. I get a lot of those comments, and I don't know if I'm supposed to react in kind, or what the right emojis might be. Anyway…

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Dwight: My point in saying this is.

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Dwight: It's important that you…

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Dwight: not get so caught up in what it is that other people are saying, because not everybody says everything.

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Dwight: It might help if we remove things from the digital world where we can get instant feedback all the time.

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Dwight: and think about a simpler time when you had to go and post something in a gallery or put it in a public place.

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Dwight: And the public.

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Dwight: was able to view it. They were not expected to weigh in. People were not expected to have opinions.

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Dwight: If we go really far back.

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Dwight: There was a time when people would throw their rotten produce.

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Dwight: And, that was their way of expressing dissatisfaction.

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Dwight: But… Thankfully, today, you don't have to be too worried about getting drawn and quartered.

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Dwight: People just might be trolls in your comments.

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Dwight: But… Let trolls be trolls. That's about them. It's not about

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Dwight: You need to let that go.

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Dwight: Since I am talking about things that are really old, I'd like to share

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Dwight: A quote that came about in the early 20th century that traces back to a comic from the time.

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Dwight: But it's also been misattributed to

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Dwight: greats like Mark Twain and Eleanor Roosevelt.

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Dwight: The the guy that it traces all the way back to was a writer in 1936, 37, somewhere in there.

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Dwight: Named Olin Miller.

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Dwight: And the quote is.

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Dwight: Simply… You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you.

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Dwight: If you could know how seldom they do.

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Dwight: Right? Easy to remember because it rhymes a bit, but… The point is profound.

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Dwight: We all have this tendency to think that the spotlight is on us when

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Dwight: Really, everyone's blinded by their own spotlights.

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Dwight: I don't know.

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Dwight: So… I'd love to, share a little bit of Some of the ways that.

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Dwight: I've had to wrestle with some of these things in my own creative life, and I'd say that you've… if you've listened to this show for any bit of time, you've seen a little bit of that.

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Dwight: The times when I have

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Dwight: had the the greatest struggle had been when I was really trying too hard, or thinking so much about how I might come across.

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Dwight: When things are the easiest, it's when I'm able to let go and enjoy just doing this craft.

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Dwight: I… I can just inhabit.

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Dwight: who I am, and I think more about you. I think

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Dwight: how… how is it that I am serving you? And in the case of…

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Dwight: When there is a featured guest on the show, I know that Maddox and I are doing our best to accommodate them and make sure that they feel seen and safe, and it's a pleasant experience. And at the same time, we are thinking of you as well. But what I'm getting at is.

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Dwight: instead of coming from a place of worry and fear, and just thinking about the things that could that could go wrong.

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Dwight: We just… Focus on the things that are…

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Dwight: More important about showing up and being real and being kind and

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Dwight: Just being the… the kind of host, that is welcome, accommodating, and we lean into just

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Dwight: being good people.

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Dwight: Everything else works itself out.

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Dwight: And… I get that.

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Dwight: there may be some of my own little ticks that might rub people the wrong way. My goodness, I know that whenever I watch playback on these, and I watch playback on every single one.

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Dwight: I see the things that I know that I need to improve, And…

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Dwight: I use this as my gym. I work on it.

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Dwight: and I do that not because of a fear or a disgust or self-hatred, but because

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Dwight: I want to serve you better.

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Dwight: I know that if I can make it so that this is a better experience for you.

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Dwight: that it helps me to raise my baseline.

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Dwight: And make it so that.

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Dwight: Whenever I fall to… the level of my training. It's

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Dwight: It's at a place that is…

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Dwight: Acceptable, sustainable, it's something that works, it's something that.

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Dwight: Most people probably have no problem with.

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Dwight: I'm also quite… Receptive to feedback.

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Dwight: I'll share a little bit of a personal, nuance. People who know me very well know that I like to talk about how I had a grandmother who.

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Dwight: was not… Kindness was not something that came to her very easily. She was frank.

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Dwight: I'll put it that way.

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Dwight: And I was able to pick something up from that.

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Dwight: And that is, I could listen to… The intelligence behind

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Dwight: What it was she was saying, and get past how she was saying it, because there was something useful

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Dwight: in what she was saying, even if it was hard to hear.

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Dwight: It's really hard to… Just have that reflex of wanting to react, wanting to defend yourself.

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Dwight: What if you just stand back a moment and try to extract.

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Dwight: What's useful here?

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Dwight: It makes it so that.

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Dwight: Even from something that is poison.

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Dwight: You can grow from it.

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Dwight: And I want to make sure that you have a piece of that.

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Dwight: When you get something from a troll, just laugh.

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Dwight: What? I don't Also, Have a light heart about whatever it is that that they've said.

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Dwight: And, you know, Don't let it consume you. Don't give it the oxygen.

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Dwight: I think one of the worst things that you can do is actually.

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Dwight: respond, because you never know what's what's driving someone to to do something that seems to be motivated to cause harm.

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Dwight: Now, typically, with a lot of the things that I do, I like to leave you with something that you can do

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Dwight: That's a way to practice what it is that that we've shared.

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Dwight: And so I'd like to ask you, what's one small thing that you're willing to

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Dwight: Due to be seen this week.

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Dwight: That's going to expose something that maybe you're a little bit afraid of.

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Dwight: And here's the thing, sit with that. For every person listening, that's gonna be a little bit different.

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Dwight: But I promise you that, as we've heard in many different ways, all the good stuff is on the other side of that little circle that you make your comfort zone.

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Dwight: And as you keep expanding it, you're gonna see more and more of that good stuff. And I want you to have that good stuff.

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Dwight: So… Sit with that question.

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Dwight: What is that one small thing that you're going to do this week? And if you listen to this again.

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Dwight: I want you to really sit with. Well, what's 1 more thing that I can do

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Dwight: To… make myself seen.

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Dwight: even if it's something that maybe I'm a little bit uncomfortable about.

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Dwight: Because… When you put in those reps.

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Dwight: I guarantee you with enough times that thing that you feel.

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Dwight: So skittish about, or so nervous about sharing with the world.

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Dwight: It's going to be something that you can look back at and and have a great deal of pride about.

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Dwight: As I share this, I can't help but smile as I think back to our episode with Breck White, where she was talking about something that she called her wall of shame with all of her experiments that flopped.

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Dwight: And… I was immediately just lit up, because my thought was, well, oh my goodness!

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Dwight: What a blessing those were, because you know exactly what not to do.

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Dwight: You know from experience all of the possible mistakes and how to correct for them.

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Dwight: That's incredible!

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Dwight: You can have that, too.

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Dwight: I know that there are recipes that you can follow and sources that can tell you the truth, but I also can appreciate that there are some things that you just have to have the lived experience to understand.

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Dwight: You can read for days about how to ride a bicycle, but until you sit down on a saddle, and you start

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Dwight: Moving those pedals and having a feel for that balance.

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Dwight: You don't really know how to ride a bicycle.

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Dwight: I hope that you've enjoyed this brief time that we've shared together, and I hope that you

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Dwight: Listen to some of the things that we have in our back catalog and check out some of our other things. I mentioned that we have a newsletter. We have different fun stuff that we do on social. Come and say hello to us on those things. We always love hearing from our listeners. And if you are enjoying this.

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Dwight: It would really help out if you could screenshot this episode and post it on your socials and tag For the Love of Creatives on those things so that we know it, we can see it, we can celebrate it with you.

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Dwight: And we look forward to catching you on another episode of Community and Becoming.

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Dwight: for the love of creatives.