#051: What If Freedom Means Loving What You Love, No Matter Who Leaves With CarolLaine M. Garcia

WEBVTT

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Like, don't talk to me because I'm gonna be fucking more unstoppable, more of a force of nature.

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But it is so scary to me as I sit surrounded by like I took watercolor earlier this year and hardest classes that I've ever taken, PhD included, right?

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So as I'm in this tour by myself, my last day there, I had this thought like, I think I want to go to art school.

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And then I saw myself having a thought, and I'm like, that's so aggressive.

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Like, I don't want to actually go through art school, but I want the experience of art school.

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And so then I'm like, you know, continuing to go along in the tour, and I was like, what if as a creator, I created my own art school.

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Hey, you're listening to for the Love of Creatives Podcast.

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This is Maddox.

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I'm joined by Dwight.

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Hello.

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We are the Connections and Community Guys.

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And today our guest is Caroline M.

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Garcia.

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Hello, Caroline.

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Hi.

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So glad to have you.

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So the listeners know we just met Caroline two days ago.

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We were at Creative Mornings and bumped into her, had a little conversation, and Dwight asked her if she'd like to be a guest on the podcast.

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And here she is.

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We don't know very much about her, but we've gotten just enough of a glimpse to know this is going to be a great story.

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So stay tuned.

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And here we go.

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I'm going to turn it over to you, Caroline, and let you tell our audience a little bit about who you are and what you're about.

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Okay.

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It's so great to be here in Dwight.

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Thank you again for your courage in approaching me.

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Dwight just rolled out to a conversation that I was in and introduced himself with a smiling face.

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And I so appreciate when people just roll up into a conversation.

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Like I'm always like, How did you, how did you do that?

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Like, what weren't you stressed?

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Like, weren't you anxious?

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Didn't you think that you might be rejected?

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So I really appreciate that.

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Um, you pulling me in in that way.

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Um, so I'm Doctora Caroline Garcia, and I created my own title because nothing that I had ever done in life felt like it fit me.

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Um, I'm a former consultant, I am a former strategist in corporate America.

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I followed the button-up road for 10 years, um, have a PhD in organizational psychology.

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And after a series of spiritual, feminine, cultural, a plethora of awakenings, I was like, I don't think that this is what I'm supposed to do with my life.

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I don't think this is the impact I'm supposed to make.

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I don't know what the impact is, but I have to go figure that out.

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Um, so when I started my journey, I was a joy coach and I went out into the community and I'm like, I'm gonna help people find joy in their lives.

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And the universe said, lol.

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And the journey that I've been on the last two and a half years, in combination with the creative awakening that I had, led me to call myself now an embodied liberation guide.

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And what that means is I teach liberation, not necessarily just through the mind.

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I teach it through energy.

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The chakras is one of my methods.

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I teach it through the spirit and I teach it through the body.

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Um, helping people to reclaim their bodies, their hearts, their minds, and their spirits so that they can befriend the unknown within them, which is where creativity and liberation lies.

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It is not from our persona, what we present to the world.

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It is from the fear that we have about who we might be, who we could be, who we have been.

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And I just help people to connect with those parts of themselves.

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So that shows up in keynotes and in retreats.

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It shows up in coaching and teaching in the community, um, just teaching people to see their shadow and befriend it and not destroy it for the purpose of learning how to coexist with everything that is on this planet, because I really want humanity to learn how to get along with itself.

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Um, so that's what I teach.

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And I'm happy to be here today.

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Well, we're so glad that you agreed to join us.

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Uh, I know that this can be kind of a heavy lift for some people.

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A lot of people who, well, uh a lot of artists in particular are are not really um thrilled about talking about themselves.

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And, you know, this this is something I'm told that it's kind of a universal fear that people have public speaking.

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But uh I I think it's just like I approached you in in that setting where, you know, yeah, we I didn't know you from Adam, and you said something that perked my ears up.

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I I look at it like this.

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We're at something that's kind of a social event to go and and meet people.

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Well, if you don't do it, then you're kind of failing at it.

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Yeah.

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Right?

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Like what why'd you waste your time?

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Yeah.

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Uh well, and and I want to acknowledge Dwight because people don't realize this that haven't met him or don't know him, but he's a dyed-in-the-wool introvert.

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I mean, so so walking up to strangers and things like that is kind of against his his nature, but um he's become quite good at it.

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Better than me at it, really.

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You'll see me as the outgoing one, and he walks up to total strangers easy to find.

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I love it.

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So you said something a few minutes ago.

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First of all, I want to say I love your energy.

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I the minute I walked up and shook your hand, it was like, wow, you I can tell already you are a force of nature.

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Thank you.

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Yes, you are a force of nature.

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So you talked about the awakening.

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And I I want to know, and I know our listeners want to know the nuts and bolts about that.

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How did it come about?

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What happened as you went through it?

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And then who were you?

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And what did you know when you got to the other side?

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And we can just do that layer, we'll just unpack that one layer at a time.

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Yeah.

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So I felt like for much of my life there were like these two versions of me.

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There was the version of me that everybody wanted me to be, followed all the rules, obedient, good woman, just like no hair out of place.

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There was that version of me.

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And then there was this wild, rambunctious, rebellious, fuck all of that side of me that was literally the antithesis of that other part.

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And because I've been studying psychology since I was 16 and philosophy, I thought I was having like a split personality, the beginning of a split personality.

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And I'm like, oh my God, I think I'm having a psychotic break.

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Like, what is happening?

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Because they were such opposing forces to me that I'm like, surely this cannot coexist in the same body.

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I must be developing two different personalities.

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Like, what do I do?

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And it was way back when I was getting my PhD after I had ended my engagement.

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So my father died when I was 21 after my first year of my PhD program.

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And when he died, my idea of marriage shattered because he was supposed to walk me down the aisle.

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And in my mind, at 21, if one thing is out of place, the whole thing is like thrown into chaos.

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So I'm like, well, if my father isn't gonna walk me down the aisle, am I walking down the aisle?

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And so within, so my father died July 13th.

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And within five months of him dying, I broke up with my ex-fiance that I had been with for six months.

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So that was the beginning of chaos.

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But it was like, I was almost going through an experience that like a 40-year-old woman would go through as a 22, I said 22-year-old.

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Like broken engagement, father has passed away, and I'm in a PhD program.

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So there were just so such grown experiences for a woman, a child, a young woman whose brain hadn't fully, you know, finished developing.

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Like, how do I coexist with this immense achievement and this immense grief at the same time?

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I had to show up to my PhD as perfect.

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And I entered my doctorate program with just a bachelor's degree.

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So I had never even had the rigor of a master's.

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I went straight in with a bachelor's and I was 20 years old.

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I couldn't even drink by the time I started my PhD program.

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Not until a month later.

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So it was just like so many things were happening.

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That was one of the first breaks.

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So I went to therapy at that point, and I just sort of kind of pretended like I could just forget that my father died.

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I could like forget my ex-fiance.

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I could just forget the version of me that had experienced all of that.

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And I just like fragmented.

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And that stayed like that for like 12 years.

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And then the pandemic came.

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And I couldn't escape anymore.

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I couldn't travel.

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That was my escape.

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I used to be one of those girlies who's like catch flights, not feelings.

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Well, there were no flights to catch.

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And it couldn't go anywhere.

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You couldn't even see your friends.

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I didn't want to risk killing anybody.

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So I didn't go out.

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And I was like going crazy, being with myself all the fucking time.

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And I'm like, I don't think I'm gonna survive this pandemic.

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Because at the time when I was doing research about it, I'm like, it takes typically 10 to 12 years to find a vaccine.

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I'm not gonna make it.

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I'm not gonna make it 10 years of this.

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And so I ended up buying a house in the in that period when the market crashed.

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Um, and then started building my home, which is like now like my cave, my woman's cave.

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Um, and so the first, I'll say this um, because I I don't want to tell you everything without, you know, conversation.

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So I'll say this second sort of pivotal moment for me, and then I'll turn it back over to y'all.

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So the first break after the pandemic, I remember I was so angry at my life.

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I was angry that my father died.

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I was angry at my relationships not having worked out.

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I was angry at the pandemic.

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I was angry that people still kept going out because I just wanted the pandemic to hurry up and finish.

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So I could go back to being normal, go back to traveling, go back to like forgetting what I was just finding.

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And people wouldn't fucking stay home.

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You know?

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And I'm like, why are you going to bars and restaurants and traveling?

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Like, if everyone would just stay home and follow the rules, then I could leave my house again, you know?

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And I remember one day I went out for a walk.

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It's like the only thing you could do, right?

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And I was like, I'm gonna walk until I stop being angry.

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And it was six and a half miles.

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I was so exhausted.

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So two hours later, I come home and I'm like, oof, I think I got some things to work out.

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And it was in one of those walks, like I would I would kind of start to replay my life story.

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I started to understand what had happened to me because now I had the space to just be with myself.

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And I started to get to know what is my chatter.

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And I started to see like how much resentment I had about my life.

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Um, and then one day on one of those walks, you know, I'd felt very alone in that time.

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One day, one of those walks, I felt this like I was thinking about life, and I felt this massive breeze come around me and just sort of envelop me and sort of like hug my skin.

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And it was the first time, and then I had this like immediate like thought vision before I knew what downloads were, what channeling was.

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Um, and the vision that came to mind is my father and my great aunt, who served as my grandmother figure to me, who also had passed away a couple of years after I finished my PhD.

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And there was this sense of, we're with you.

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And I was like, oh no, I'm having another psychotic break because this is this is not of this world.

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And that was when I started to realize there was more to life than just the material world.

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So I'll I'll pause there.

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You know, we tend to look back at the pandemic as this really, really bad thing.

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And and this is a topic that we don't a conversation that we don't tend to have, but there were people that the pandemic brought immense gifts.

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You are describing immense gifts that came because you were forced to be with you.

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Yeah, I had immense gifts.

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I what I I had when the pandemic hit, less than 90 days earlier, I had retired from a 40-year career.

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Wow.

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And thought I wanted, knew just exactly what I wanted to do in my next stage.

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Well, during the pandemic, when I had time to just sit with me, I found out no, not so much.

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That's not what I want to do.

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And I don't know that I would have come to that if it hadn't been for all that time alone, locked in my house by myself.

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Um, there were many other things.

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I could go on and on, but this is today's your story.

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But I I just want to say, wow.

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Um we we do, we do need to give our all of us need to give ourselves an opportunity to look back on the pandemic and and look for the silver linings instead of demonizing it to to realize that there was some good shit that came out of that.

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I just want to say my my heart goes out to you for having suffered so mildly before.

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I mean, to be as young as you were and to lose your father, that's uh that's intense, and to be going through a rigorous program like that where you're you're expected to perform, you're expected to produce.

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Yeah.

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And uh the weight that you were going through with um redefining even what things would look like.

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I mean, my goodness.

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I I applaud you for taking the the measured step of calling off the engagement um you know in the time that you did and without anyone getting hurt, because you were caring a lot, and I I guess the we're we're told to look at the gifts that come from everything.

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By the time the pandemic hit, you had been through it.

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I was I was done with life.

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Life had life to me.

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I was like, I've I'm 80 years old in terms of life experiences.

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Like, what else what else do you want to give me?

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Um, I didn't even realize I was it was challenging to go through what I went through.

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I just thought you're not doing it good enough.

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You should you should be over this.

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Well, and this was a major contributor to you being a force of nature.

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Oh yeah.

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You know our our greatest wounds sometimes become our our greatest gift.

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It takes a while for it to come full circle, you know, but you realize all of a sudden you are who you are because of those experiences.

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I have experiences that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

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But I wouldn't trade for them now either because I wouldn't be who I am if it had you would not be the Caroline sitting here having this conversation if you hadn't gone through the loss of your dad at an early age, the the rigors of a doctorate and everything else that you've listed.

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Yeah, I'm pretty I'm pretty impressed with that version of myself.

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Like I wouldn't do that today.

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Like if somebody was like, You're gonna get a PhD, I'm like, absolutely not.

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So it was just like amazing that I casually strolled into a PhD program that I didn't actually want to do.

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I wanted to just get a master's.

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A PhD felt like a little too hard.

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And I got a PhD because I got a fellowship.

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I it was I didn't have this like great desire to create knowledge or to be, I wanted to be a doctor because my father was a doctor.

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So there was that legacy.

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But like I like pass out when I see blood.

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So I knew that medical was not gonna be the route for me.

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Um, but I my PhD, like when people are like, Oh, why did you get your PhD?

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I'm like, because I got a scholarship.

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It wasn't, and I could.

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I was like, well, I never want to go back to school after I'm done.

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But it was just so wild to look at that version of myself, and I'm like, who gets a PhD just because they can?

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Like, that is not the activity that people are like, oh, well, just try it, you know, we'll see what happens.

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Um, so I have mad respect for that version of me now.

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But at the time, I didn't think I was good enough because I'm like, I'm doing something that no one in my family has done.

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I I really want to pull on a thread.

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Uh seeing what you went through, you had to have built a community there.

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You had to have had uh advisors who believed in you and could pull you through when uh there's no way you kept under wraps that you you're dad had passed.

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No, no, no.

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So what what was that like to have someone to build that bridge to make it to where you could get get to the other side of that program and just life?

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Yeah, um, my mom is a force of nature herself.

00:18:22.310 --> 00:18:26.310
So I get it from I have I come from two Tiro Blazers.

00:18:26.470 --> 00:18:30.710
Um, my mother, she actually has my original diploma.

00:18:30.870 --> 00:18:32.470
This diploma is a copy.

00:18:34.150 --> 00:18:42.230
She has the original one at her house, and she just when she has a vision, is locked.

00:18:42.310 --> 00:18:43.110
That's it.

00:18:43.350 --> 00:18:47.509
And so she wanted to, she dreamt about coming to the US when she was 11.

00:18:47.670 --> 00:18:51.430
Um, and come hell or high water, like she was gonna make it here.

00:18:51.509 --> 00:18:55.509
She's like, I want the next generation to be American, and it's it happened.

00:18:55.750 --> 00:18:59.430
Um, my brother's kids, some of them don't speak Spanish.

00:18:59.509 --> 00:19:02.230
Like that's how much Americanized they became.

00:19:02.550 --> 00:19:08.870
And so she, when she first came to the States, she was 35 and had two kids.

00:19:09.110 --> 00:19:13.190
Didn't she only had a traveler's visa, didn't speak a lick of English.

00:19:13.430 --> 00:19:16.230
And she was like, I don't know how, but I'm gonna figure it out.

00:19:16.310 --> 00:19:17.190
And this was pre-internet.

00:19:17.430 --> 00:19:23.590
So it wasn't like, you know, you could join a program on how to become a citizen, you know, she just thugged it out, like her and other family members.

00:19:23.750 --> 00:19:31.029
And so when I was in my doctorate program, I wanted to quit like every week.

00:19:31.430 --> 00:19:34.550
This wasn't like I was locked, I was not locked into the vision.

00:19:34.630 --> 00:19:36.070
I was like, I'm being forced to do this.

00:19:36.150 --> 00:19:37.190
This is bullshit.

00:19:37.509 --> 00:19:43.190
And I was consistently complaining about how much I hated research in my doctorate.

00:19:43.269 --> 00:19:47.910
Like to anybody who would be willing to listen, like I would actively tell my advisor, like, I hate research.

00:19:47.990 --> 00:19:49.430
And she's like, You're in a PhD program.

00:19:49.509 --> 00:19:51.190
I'm like, I hear what you're saying.

00:19:53.430 --> 00:19:56.950
But this still doesn't change the way I feel about what we know is happening.

00:19:57.110 --> 00:19:59.430
And I I knew that I was never gonna be an academic.

00:19:59.590 --> 00:20:01.190
It was too jargony for me.

00:20:01.350 --> 00:20:07.509
First of all, English is my second language, and PhD is a third language because the jargon that they use is insane.

00:20:07.750 --> 00:20:12.070
So I would go to class and I would read journal articles, and I'm like, I don't think I know English.

00:20:12.230 --> 00:20:20.630
Like, I don't know what that was, but I know I individually understand these words and I know they exist, but I don't know what the fuck this is.

00:20:20.950 --> 00:20:27.910
And so my mom was a primary person of like, you will regret it forever.

00:20:27.990 --> 00:20:28.710
And I would have.

00:20:28.790 --> 00:20:32.230
You will regret it forever if you if you quit, just keep going.

00:20:32.390 --> 00:20:34.070
She wouldn't necessarily tell me how to keep going.

00:20:34.150 --> 00:20:35.990
She would just tell me, keep going, figure it out.

00:20:36.070 --> 00:20:43.670
So then I'd, you know, started to um, we would have study groups, my classmates would have study groups.

00:20:43.910 --> 00:20:49.110
Um, I had at that point two sets of friends after I broke up with my ex-fiance.

00:20:49.590 --> 00:20:53.910
I had like my PhD friends and they kept me studious.

00:20:54.150 --> 00:20:56.870
And then I had like my party friends and they kept me grounded.

00:20:56.950 --> 00:20:58.790
So I was like Monday through Thursday.

00:20:58.950 --> 00:21:01.590
I like this is why I also thought I had a split personality.

00:21:01.750 --> 00:21:03.670
Monday through Thursday, I was Caroline.

00:21:03.830 --> 00:21:08.550
I was studious, I was paying attention, I was writing papers, I was like into the jargon.

00:21:08.710 --> 00:21:12.150
And then Thursday through Sunday, I was Maria, which is my middle name.

00:21:12.310 --> 00:21:21.509
And she was out here just living, like going to parties, getting drunk, making out with strangers, just being wild child.

00:21:21.590 --> 00:21:24.470
And Monday, I'm Caroline, and then Thursday, you know?

00:21:24.710 --> 00:21:27.350
And so, and then that was like one version of me.

00:21:27.430 --> 00:21:33.509
And then when I would go home, then there was another Caroline and Maria that was Dominican.

00:21:33.990 --> 00:21:36.950
And now I'm Caroline and Maria in Spanish.

00:21:37.029 --> 00:21:40.790
So it was just like so many things that I was juggling at the same time.

00:21:41.029 --> 00:21:45.509
And it so happened, and again, it wasn't something that I appreciated at the moment.

00:21:45.910 --> 00:21:53.430
But everybody around me was like pretty impressed by the way that I was able to be so studious and so fun.

00:21:53.509 --> 00:21:55.990
Because a lot of PhDs, like, they're not fun.

00:21:56.470 --> 00:22:02.310
They're not, they're so intellectualized that they're like, they don't know how to let loose.

00:22:02.390 --> 00:22:05.430
They they've become so competent, they've become incompetent and fun.

00:22:05.590 --> 00:22:05.910
Okay.

00:22:06.390 --> 00:22:13.830
Or they only know how to have fun at the conferences where they get, you know, drunk, and that's like their one escape of the year.

00:22:13.910 --> 00:22:15.670
I was escaping every week, you know?

00:22:16.230 --> 00:22:18.310
Um, so I I just was likable.

00:22:18.390 --> 00:22:18.870
Go ahead.

00:22:19.430 --> 00:22:22.550
You had the best of all worlds, yeah.

00:22:23.509 --> 00:22:23.830
Yeah.

00:22:23.910 --> 00:22:25.430
I mean, I was 22.

00:22:25.990 --> 00:22:30.150
So I was living like a 22-year-old with a 40-year-old life experience.

00:22:34.230 --> 00:22:39.269
You could transform yourself to be in whatever environment you found yourself.

00:22:39.430 --> 00:22:42.310
There's not a lot of people that can do that, Caroline.

00:22:42.470 --> 00:22:44.710
Yeah, not to the degree.

00:22:44.790 --> 00:22:53.430
And I and I also want to back up for a minute and say, okay, for English being your second language, your English is flawless.

00:22:53.830 --> 00:22:54.310
Thank you.

00:22:54.470 --> 00:22:55.269
I work on it.

00:22:57.350 --> 00:22:58.550
Like, wow.

00:23:01.110 --> 00:23:01.750
Thank you.

00:23:04.070 --> 00:23:11.590
Well, and it I I think it's great that you could find a way to divide yourself.

00:23:11.750 --> 00:23:16.550
Well, to the point that you you were just suspecting that you had altars.

00:23:17.990 --> 00:23:28.710
So am I to take that um as a sign that you take integrity as as being something that's highly valued now?

00:23:29.029 --> 00:23:29.910
Absolutely.

00:23:30.150 --> 00:23:33.910
I love the truth, and I love being in my truth.

00:23:34.150 --> 00:23:42.470
Um, and so that that made me feel, and all of these things, by the way, that I'm sharing with y'all, I've just had this realization this week.

00:23:43.509 --> 00:23:54.470
Because I've been working on my book for a decade, and I've been working with a book coach, and I was like, bro, do you know how hard it is to weave my story together in a cohesive way when there was like seven Carolines that I got to put together?

00:23:54.550 --> 00:23:55.670
It's the same story.

00:23:55.830 --> 00:23:58.550
Like, where were they, did they know each other?

00:23:58.790 --> 00:24:10.950
And so um figuring out how to weave them all together into a sense of self, like what I realized is why it felt so uncomfortable for me is because I felt like I was lying.

00:24:11.350 --> 00:24:16.070
I'm like, who I am here is wildly different than who I am here.

00:24:16.310 --> 00:24:18.790
And you think that I'm this respectable Dr.

00:24:19.110 --> 00:24:25.350
Garcia, and then Friday night I'm shaking my ass and hang like making out with some dude that I just met.

00:24:25.750 --> 00:24:30.070
Because I, when I broke up with my ex fiance, he's the only man I had ever kissed.

00:24:30.230 --> 00:24:34.230
And I will like create a goal out of whatever the fuck I want to.

00:24:34.390 --> 00:24:42.310
So I've created a goal that I was like, I want to make out with 25 people to so I can witness different kissing styles.

00:24:42.550 --> 00:24:44.790
And I met my goals, okay?

00:24:45.670 --> 00:24:46.790
Congratulations.

00:24:47.350 --> 00:24:55.029
You know, what what you're describing is what I would call multifaceted, and that makes you extremely interesting.

00:24:55.509 --> 00:24:56.390
Thank you.

00:24:57.350 --> 00:24:57.990
Yes.

00:24:58.710 --> 00:25:01.110
Let's talk about the awakening.

00:25:01.269 --> 00:25:05.670
We've got we've talked about what built up to the awakening.

00:25:05.830 --> 00:25:07.910
Let's talk about the awakening now.

00:25:08.310 --> 00:25:08.630
Okay.

00:25:10.310 --> 00:25:11.269
Which one?

00:25:12.710 --> 00:25:14.950
Well, whatever one you want to share.

00:25:15.029 --> 00:25:17.670
What whatever aspect of that you want to share.

00:25:19.430 --> 00:25:26.790
Um, so when I was working at Deloitte's, I used to uh travel 80% of the time and I loved it.

00:25:26.870 --> 00:25:30.950
I was living this like high-flying lifestyle.

00:25:31.269 --> 00:25:47.990
I was getting all kinds of points and all kinds of reward systems, you know, being up to first class for the first time in my life and walking into spaces where typically only older white men were and just sitting down as a 32-year-old and be like, yeah, I belong here.

00:25:48.310 --> 00:25:57.750
Um, staying in five-star hotels that I didn't have to pay for, having a corporate car that I had like up to like a$200 a day limit on what I could eat.

00:25:57.830 --> 00:25:59.910
It was like incredible.

00:26:00.150 --> 00:26:10.630
I remember one time we went out to this restaurant in New York, um, and they had tableside cannoli where they would like literally fill the cannoli right next to you.

00:26:10.710 --> 00:26:11.990
And I fucking love cannoli.

00:26:12.150 --> 00:26:14.070
So I was like, oh my God, is this heaven?

00:26:14.150 --> 00:26:18.230
Like this, this was it's like a core memory of mine to have those kinds of experiences.

00:26:18.470 --> 00:26:21.509
And so life moved so fast.

00:26:21.670 --> 00:26:36.390
And I felt like I was disconnected from Dallas because I could only see my friends on the weekends, and I'd come home and I'd have to like unpack and and figure out, put some food in the fridge, but not too much food because I didn't want it to go bad.

00:26:36.470 --> 00:26:40.390
And then whatever friends I had, I had to see them on the weekend because I was gone.

00:26:40.550 --> 00:26:48.790
And it was so lonely, so lonely to like work all day and then go and stay in hotel rooms where you were anonymous every single week, you know?

00:26:48.950 --> 00:26:53.509
Like I literally, the airport, the airplane was my commute vehicle.

00:26:53.750 --> 00:27:02.710
I got so used to being at DFW, I just knew how to go into whatever gate, um, what the process was, what the system was, and all of that.

00:27:02.950 --> 00:27:07.110
And in 2019, um, I started reading again.

00:27:07.269 --> 00:27:13.590
So one of the uh like aftershocks of getting my doctorate was I didn't want to read at all.

00:27:14.470 --> 00:27:15.029
Period.

00:27:15.190 --> 00:27:20.710
I was like, I'm done with words and only read fiction if I read at all.

00:27:21.269 --> 00:27:23.590
And then after like 10 years, I started to miss it.

00:27:23.670 --> 00:27:40.150
And so I started to do, I was like, well, since I have to be uh working so much and I'm gone so much, and my the song that I would tell my mom is like Monday, you know, I'm texting her, I'm getting up three, four, five in the morning to catch the first flight, uh typically to go to Newark or San Francisco or whatever.

00:27:40.390 --> 00:27:42.630
And then I would always look forward to Thursday.

00:27:42.710 --> 00:27:50.310
So I was living this like rat racing where I was always like hating Mondays, looking forward to Thursday, hating Mondays, looking forward to Thursdays.

00:27:50.390 --> 00:28:01.269
I'd start dreading Monday on Sunday, and then Friday there was some relief, but then Saturday I wasn't fully enjoying because I was already thinking about Sunday, and then Sunday, you know, it was like this whole thing every single week.

00:28:01.509 --> 00:28:04.150
Didn't matter what project or what team or what it was.

00:28:04.390 --> 00:28:07.590
And so I started listening to audio books as a way of like buying time.

00:28:07.670 --> 00:28:11.110
I'm like, okay, well, you know, while I'm commuting, let me listen to books.

00:28:11.350 --> 00:28:17.670
And I remember I had listened to a book about death in 2019.

00:28:18.870 --> 00:28:26.950
And I can't tell you what was in that book, but I remember I remember how I felt when I was listening to the book, and it was like confronted.

00:28:28.790 --> 00:28:32.550
And then I started read, so I started reading in earnest at that point.

00:28:32.630 --> 00:28:36.950
So I think I read, I went, I read 10 books that year, and that was 2019.

00:28:37.110 --> 00:28:39.269
2020, I read 44 books.

00:28:39.750 --> 00:28:44.790
2021, I read 135 books, and that fucked me up.

00:28:48.710 --> 00:28:55.269
So my goal for 2021 was I'm gonna read as many books as my age.

00:28:55.350 --> 00:28:57.029
And at that point, I was gonna turn 35.

00:28:57.110 --> 00:28:58.470
So I was like, I'll read 35 books.

00:28:58.550 --> 00:28:59.350
That feels manageable.

00:28:59.430 --> 00:29:02.470
I just read 44 books the previous year, that's fine.

00:29:02.790 --> 00:29:19.110
Well, I had I had met the goal in February, and I was like, okay, well, my friend, and then I had seen something that somebody posted, like a mom of a friend of mine, she had two kids and she read like 116 books.

00:29:19.670 --> 00:29:33.110
And I had this sense of imposter syndrome about being a woman that wouldn't have kids, like refuse to have kids, and being like, I can't let moms beat me in anything because I don't have the excuse of not having enough time.

00:29:33.590 --> 00:29:36.230
So I can't, I can't get overweight.

00:29:36.470 --> 00:29:40.390
I can't like not be perfect because I have the time, you know?

00:29:40.470 --> 00:29:44.790
So if you're doing it with children and a husband, like I have no excuse, right?

00:29:45.110 --> 00:29:48.950
And so she read 116 books, and I was my first thought was like, that's dumb.

00:29:49.029 --> 00:29:50.630
Like, why would you read that many books?

00:29:50.790 --> 00:29:51.029
Right.

00:29:51.190 --> 00:29:53.990
And then I was like, wait, like, I think I'm gonna do that.

00:29:54.150 --> 00:29:57.350
And so I was like, what if I read a hundred books?

00:29:57.430 --> 00:30:00.310
And I'm like, that's not challenging enough.

00:30:00.550 --> 00:30:03.029
What if I read 135 books?

00:30:03.509 --> 00:30:09.350
And so my friend had put me onto this resource where you could like check out books.

00:30:09.990 --> 00:30:16.950
And I did the math, and I was like, in order to reach that goal, I would have to read this many books per month, which means I'd have to read this many books per week.

00:30:17.110 --> 00:30:22.550
And given that I had just read a ton of books in the last year and a half, I was like, I can do that.

00:30:23.910 --> 00:30:24.630
So I did.

00:30:24.790 --> 00:30:25.670
I committed to it.

00:30:25.750 --> 00:30:27.830
I was reading eight to 13 books a month.

00:30:27.990 --> 00:30:29.029
It was insane.

00:30:29.269 --> 00:30:32.710
I had limits on the length of books in order to be able to hit the threshold.

00:30:32.950 --> 00:30:40.710
I had like my entire week was laid out by Monday, and I had a certain threshold of pages that I had to read per day to keep it up.

00:30:40.870 --> 00:30:44.470
I would say no to all experiences that kept me out of reading.

00:30:44.710 --> 00:30:48.310
And I would spend hours reading every day, just in a book.

00:30:48.470 --> 00:30:50.710
And so like Monday through Wednesday, I'd read a book.

00:30:50.870 --> 00:30:52.550
Like Wednesday through Friday, I'd read a book.

00:30:52.630 --> 00:30:54.230
And like on the weekend, I would read a book.

00:30:54.390 --> 00:30:55.590
It was insane.

00:30:56.390 --> 00:31:07.269
And so I'm reading black authors, white authors, um, Hispanic authors, Indian authors, women, men, gay people, trans, like I'm reading so many different voices.

00:31:07.350 --> 00:31:12.710
Cause I later, at the other side of it, I dissected the diversity of the authorship.

00:31:12.790 --> 00:31:15.830
And it was incredibly diverse, not by design.

00:31:15.990 --> 00:31:21.590
I just would like, okay, I read a book by a white man, let me read a book by a black woman, and that's kind of how I made it up.

00:31:21.990 --> 00:31:27.590
So if you may imagine, like, you know, you read a book, a nonfiction book at that, it's transformative.

00:31:27.750 --> 00:31:31.190
You read 10, it's life-changing.

00:31:31.350 --> 00:31:34.870
You read 30, it's extraordinary.

00:31:35.029 --> 00:31:41.910
You read 135, you have now questioned everything that you've ever thought about, everything.

00:31:42.870 --> 00:31:46.470
And I was existing, I literally felt like my head was just on a swivel.

00:31:46.950 --> 00:31:54.710
And I was existing in this sort of nebulous form where I'm like, I don't even know what the fuck I believe anymore, but it it is everything and nothing at the same time.

00:31:54.950 --> 00:32:00.310
Um, and it's taken me since that time, so four years, to embody that.

00:32:00.390 --> 00:32:10.070
And that's why I call myself an embody liberation guide versus just a liberation guide, because I had to apply what I'd learn versus just know what I'd learned.

00:32:10.230 --> 00:32:14.470
Um, but that was the beginning, it was my mind that awakened first.

00:32:14.710 --> 00:32:18.070
My body followed much later, but it was my mind that awakened first.

00:32:18.150 --> 00:32:22.070
And then I learned I had a spirit, and I didn't know that.

00:32:22.390 --> 00:32:28.230
So now I had this sense of maybe everything is unfolding with purpose.

00:32:28.470 --> 00:32:33.750
And if everything is unfolding on purpose, why would my life have happened the way that it did?

00:32:34.390 --> 00:32:39.670
And that was the beginning of a different type of healing journey outside of therapy.

00:32:39.750 --> 00:32:41.910
In therapy, I made peace with what had happened.

00:32:42.150 --> 00:32:48.310
In my spirit, in my spiritual journey, I found purpose in it, and that's where I exist now.

00:32:49.910 --> 00:32:51.269
That's amazing.

00:32:51.590 --> 00:33:08.470
And I have to say that I have to applaud the tenacity that it takes to reach a goal, um, to set a really high one in the in the first place, and to make it happen.

00:33:09.029 --> 00:33:45.029
And at the same time, to acknowledge that going through something that intense, doing something that's that big of a trial, uh the only way that it's meaningful and the way that it works is that you have time to step back and absorb and fully embody the the whole thing, because otherwise, all that you're doing is continuing to continuing to apply more abuse after a certain point.

00:33:45.269 --> 00:33:45.910
Yeah.

00:33:46.870 --> 00:33:53.350
I I think you need to do a little research with Guinness Book of World Records and see if there's a place in there for you.

00:33:56.150 --> 00:34:00.870
Yeah, it was it was I I couldn't even keep that up now.

00:34:01.269 --> 00:34:11.029
Like I have no desire to, but there was just this undeniable hunger to understand existence.

00:34:11.269 --> 00:34:23.750
I was reading about trauma and psychology and spirituality and emotions, but I was also reading about quantum physics and astrophysics and time and human history and different cultures.

00:34:23.909 --> 00:34:26.630
And I was like, what the fuck is all of this?

00:34:26.869 --> 00:34:28.469
What is this planet?

00:34:28.789 --> 00:34:30.949
Why are we here as a species?

00:34:31.110 --> 00:34:32.949
Why did humans evolve?

00:34:33.269 --> 00:34:34.389
What is time?

00:34:35.269 --> 00:34:36.869
Why do we come to form?

00:34:37.029 --> 00:34:38.069
Why are we born?

00:34:38.230 --> 00:34:39.109
Why do we die?

00:34:39.269 --> 00:34:40.069
What is death?

00:34:40.309 --> 00:34:49.750
Like, I was not understandable by most people around me for a long time because they would be like, How's the weather?

00:34:49.909 --> 00:34:50.949
And I'm like, What is time?

00:34:51.109 --> 00:34:52.309
And they're like, What the fuck?

00:34:52.469 --> 00:34:55.829
Like, I'm like, Why are you asking me about the weather?

00:34:55.909 --> 00:34:58.389
I want to know why do we know what time is?

00:34:58.549 --> 00:35:00.069
Like, where does it come from?

00:35:01.190 --> 00:35:03.750
All that ruined superficial conversations for you.

00:35:04.069 --> 00:35:05.109
I I can't.

00:35:05.349 --> 00:35:06.869
I ended up losing.

00:35:07.029 --> 00:35:17.190
I mean, I can talk through this later, but I, you know, when I first started to become a coach, like I said, I started out like saying I was gonna be a joy coach.

00:35:17.269 --> 00:35:23.269
And I knew that coaching was about transformation, but I actually didn't understand the difference between information and transformation.

00:35:23.429 --> 00:35:25.989
I literally had to Google the words like, what is information?

00:35:26.149 --> 00:35:27.109
What is transformation?

00:35:27.349 --> 00:35:29.429
Because to me, I had learned so much.

00:35:29.509 --> 00:35:33.109
And I'm like, well, as a coach, I'm just gonna tell you things.

00:35:33.349 --> 00:35:35.429
Oh, you want to learn about meditation?

00:35:35.589 --> 00:35:36.869
I write a book about meditation.

00:35:36.949 --> 00:35:38.629
Let me tell you about it, you know?

00:35:38.869 --> 00:35:43.750
And not realizing that I would then become this person who had to embody.

00:35:43.909 --> 00:35:45.670
I don't have to tell you about meditation.

00:35:45.829 --> 00:35:50.549
I can, I can show you what two years of daily meditation is like.

00:35:50.869 --> 00:35:52.629
I'm not gonna tell you about it.

00:35:52.789 --> 00:35:53.750
I'm showing you.

00:35:53.909 --> 00:36:02.869
I can tell you about journaling, or I can show you the 30 journals that I have and how that's helped transform my relationship with myself, you know?

00:36:03.109 --> 00:36:05.909
And so I didn't understand what transformation meant.

00:36:05.989 --> 00:36:18.629
And I thought that, you know, manifestation and vision planning and all of that was just like you, you, you just have these ideas, you want them, and then you just get them, but you don't necessarily have to change, nor does your environment have to change.

00:36:18.869 --> 00:36:25.989
But I realized that once you realize that you are created in love, and that was something that took me so long.

00:36:26.230 --> 00:36:44.469
Like you're created in love, therefore, in order to love what you love, what you desire, to like be securely attached to your desires, you have to let go of people, places, and things that don't love you loving what you love.

00:36:45.909 --> 00:36:46.549
Yes.

00:36:46.949 --> 00:36:47.989
Very well said.

00:36:48.949 --> 00:37:07.829
Yeah, and that's I that hits squarely on uh a huge, a huge point where um a lot of people find themselves in the place where they think that they have to do what it is to please others and they miss out.

00:37:07.989 --> 00:37:22.629
You know, we a lot of us come to this realization later in life that if we can just go really deep on the things that light us up, that it's going to serve as a beacon for others who are drawn to those same things.

00:37:22.949 --> 00:37:23.509
Yeah.

00:37:24.549 --> 00:37:24.789
Yeah.

00:37:24.949 --> 00:37:26.469
I've summed that up in a phrase.

00:37:26.549 --> 00:37:28.869
They're either you're either my people or you're not.

00:37:30.309 --> 00:37:36.629
You know, and the way I determine that is right out of the bat, I just get vulnerable.

00:37:37.109 --> 00:37:42.389
And it either makes them want to come and sit right next to me or it makes them scream and run in the opposite direction.

00:37:43.989 --> 00:37:51.269
And it's it's a beautiful thing, but yes, what what you just said is a yes, yes, yes.

00:37:51.509 --> 00:37:51.829
Yeah.

00:37:51.989 --> 00:37:53.190
I how did you word it?

00:37:53.269 --> 00:37:54.149
Well, say it again.

00:37:54.230 --> 00:37:55.989
I I want to hear that again.

00:37:56.869 --> 00:38:02.149
I said something along these, I was like, I wrote like an excerpt of what I said.

00:38:02.389 --> 00:38:11.190
Um, transformation is you have to shed people, places, and things that don't love you loving what you love.

00:38:11.509 --> 00:38:11.909
Yes.

00:38:12.069 --> 00:38:14.549
Oh my gosh, that is brilliant.

00:38:15.349 --> 00:38:16.869
That needs to be a meme.

00:38:16.949 --> 00:38:19.029
That needs to be plotted your book.

00:38:19.349 --> 00:38:20.789
I just made it up.

00:38:21.109 --> 00:38:25.670
That that is that's yeah, that's spot on.

00:38:25.909 --> 00:38:26.549
Yeah.

00:38:27.829 --> 00:38:28.069
Yeah.

00:38:28.230 --> 00:38:35.829
And I think the other side of it too is like when people don't love you loving what you love, is because they don't love what they love yet.

00:38:36.069 --> 00:38:36.469
Yes.

00:38:36.710 --> 00:38:38.389
And so you trigger them with that.

00:38:38.549 --> 00:38:43.509
They they either have to do something about it and they they're not ready to, they're not capable of yet, whatever.

00:38:43.589 --> 00:38:46.710
And so they react by repelling you.

00:38:47.109 --> 00:38:47.750
Yeah.

00:38:48.549 --> 00:38:50.469
So the awakening.

00:38:50.549 --> 00:38:52.309
Now, now we've kind of covered that.

00:38:52.549 --> 00:38:57.829
Unless there's something you want to add, is there something you want to add about the awakening, or did that pretty much cover it?

00:38:58.149 --> 00:39:09.109
I I'll add one more piece connected to my father that was like the most massive turning point that came as a result of then my creative awakening, because that part was missing.

00:39:09.429 --> 00:39:13.109
So I had had my spiritual awakening, I'd had an intellectual awakening.

00:39:13.269 --> 00:39:17.109
By the way, I didn't realize I was smart until I had read those books.

00:39:17.349 --> 00:39:25.750
And I remember, I remember like four months into my 135 book journey, and I was telling my mom, I'm like, mommy, I think I'm smart.

00:39:25.909 --> 00:39:27.429
And she's like, I got on.

00:39:27.589 --> 00:39:31.509
So, like when you got the PhD, that that wasn't the clue for you.

00:39:31.589 --> 00:39:33.670
And I was like, it wasn't.

00:39:33.989 --> 00:39:35.750
You know, we're always clueless.

00:39:35.989 --> 00:39:39.109
All of us are mostly clueless to see who we are.

00:39:39.269 --> 00:39:41.509
We're the last to figure it out, usually.

00:39:41.750 --> 00:39:43.509
Yeah, she's like, we really are.

00:39:43.750 --> 00:39:45.589
She's like, I don't get out of my face.

00:39:45.670 --> 00:39:47.109
Like, I don't even want to talk to you.

00:39:47.349 --> 00:40:00.710
So up until this point, it it kind of the way that I can describe it is like imagine that you have been told that the only meal that exists is like scrambled eggs and toast.

00:40:01.429 --> 00:40:06.629
And that's all you've eaten, that's all you've seen people around you eat, scrambled eggs and toasts, scrambled eggs and toasts.

00:40:06.789 --> 00:40:14.469
And then you get exposed to like culinary school and and you did you go to like different supermarkets.

00:40:14.549 --> 00:40:20.549
Because, you know, there are some parts of the world where, you know, we can go to a supermarket and pretty much get whatever we want to at will.

00:40:21.029 --> 00:40:25.190
But there's a lot of places in the world where that is not the reality, you know?

00:40:25.429 --> 00:40:37.429
And so not only do you go to culinary school and you get exposed to these different chefs, but then you go to these like Costco's and Sam's clubs of the world, and you're like, oh my God, there's like endless ingredients here.

00:40:38.230 --> 00:40:39.829
But that's where you stop, right?

00:40:39.989 --> 00:40:46.149
So that's where I was when I was, you know, doing all of that reading and spiritual awakening and intellectual awakening.

00:40:46.230 --> 00:40:51.589
I had gone to these places, but what I didn't believe yet was that I was a chef.00:40:52.629 --> 00:41:00.710


So I had seen that other people can make different creations besides eggs and toast, but I didn't think that I could because I'm not a creative.00:41:00.869 --> 00:41:01.909


I'm just a thinker.00:41:01.989 --> 00:41:08.869


I am just someone that can admire someone's casserole, but I can't create my own thing.00:41:08.949 --> 00:41:11.750


And so the artist's way then came online.00:41:12.230 --> 00:41:24.230


So I have a friend of mine who I did my yoga teacher uh training with eight years ago, which was after one of my seven near death experiences that I've had, because that's also a whole other thing.00:41:24.869 --> 00:41:32.230


And when we did that program, they assigned us to like somebody as a buddy, and she was my OMI.00:41:32.389 --> 00:41:45.829


You know, OM is a symbol of the universe, and she was my OMI, and she still stayed my OMI, and we're such an unlikely best friendship because she is like seven years younger than me, white woman from Missouri.00:41:46.069 --> 00:41:48.789


Like we would never meet out in the wild, kind of thing.00:41:48.869 --> 00:41:51.909


She has a completely different job trajectory than I do.00:41:52.149 --> 00:41:57.429


We have completely different friends, but we just like fell in love with each other, and she's like one of my soulmates.00:41:57.750 --> 00:42:04.389


And over our relationship, friendship, she never had gifted me anything up until this particular year.00:42:04.549 --> 00:42:11.750


And so she's like, I don't know why, but like I saw this book and I want to give it to you for your birthday.00:42:11.909 --> 00:42:13.190


And I was like, okay.00:42:13.429 --> 00:42:18.309


That year I had decided to go for my to my first writer's retreat because I was like, I'm ready to write this book.00:42:18.469 --> 00:42:21.429


So I'm ready to start investing in, you know, my creativity.00:42:21.829 --> 00:42:27.429


And the day before I left, we went to this meditation together and she gave me The Artist's Way.00:42:27.589 --> 00:42:30.469


And she's like, I don't know if you have this book, if you've heard about it.00:42:30.629 --> 00:42:36.149


I actually did have it in my um ebooks, but I just hadn't gotten to it yet.00:42:36.469 --> 00:42:41.670


And so I was going to this writer's retreat because there was a particular author that was going to be there.00:42:41.750 --> 00:42:45.750


Her name is Alex L, and she was the first black woman that I saw healing.00:42:45.829 --> 00:42:47.989


And I was like, oh shit, it's possible.00:42:48.789 --> 00:42:56.869


And when I so we flew out, I was in Santa Fe, New Mexico, which is its own like portal of healing and art.00:42:57.349 --> 00:42:58.629


I'd never been to Santa Fe.00:42:58.710 --> 00:43:02.149


It's the smallest airport I've ever been to in my entire life.00:43:03.269 --> 00:43:07.670


And I get there and I'm one of those people that like, I make a plan, I don't know the details.00:43:07.750 --> 00:43:09.190


I show up and I'm like, where am I staying?00:43:09.269 --> 00:43:15.109


So like I'm in my phone, like checking like, where is the address for the place I'm going to to take this Uber to?00:43:15.269 --> 00:43:22.149


And I happen to look at the schedule, and I see Julia Cameron is gonna be at this retreat.00:43:22.230 --> 00:43:24.869


And I was like, that name is familiar.00:43:25.029 --> 00:43:26.309


Where have I seen that?00:43:26.549 --> 00:43:30.949


And I'm like, then I Google and I'm like, artist way, and I'm like, are you fucking kidding me?00:43:31.190 --> 00:43:37.269


I'm gonna see this author that like wrote this book that my friend gave me, which I did not have, by the way.00:43:37.509 --> 00:43:39.429


So I couldn't get signed.00:43:39.989 --> 00:43:44.869


And I saw Julia Cameron, she's she's like 175 years old at this point.00:43:45.909 --> 00:43:59.989


Um, but I saw her, and she has written like so many books, and like I'm in a room full of people from 18 to like 75 who just been wanting to write a book their whole lives and like haven't been able to do it.00:44:00.069 --> 00:44:04.149


And I'm like, I'm not making it to 70, still saying that I want to write a fucking book.00:44:04.230 --> 00:44:07.670


Like, I gotta get this out of the way now, right?00:44:08.469 --> 00:44:14.469


And she's talking about like I went to the bathroom at some point, I come back, she's talking about these morning pages.00:44:14.949 --> 00:44:16.629


And I'm like, what the fuck is she talking about?00:44:16.710 --> 00:44:17.589


She's talking about artist days.00:44:17.750 --> 00:44:19.429


And I'm like, what is she talking about?00:44:19.750 --> 00:44:22.069


No idea, but I'm you know, taking notes or whatever.00:44:22.149 --> 00:44:24.869


So that retreat experience comes and goes.00:44:24.949 --> 00:44:27.589


That was in September of 2023.00:44:28.469 --> 00:44:34.309


And I read the first chapter of the book, and she says, like, you're gonna have to confront a lot of yourself through this journey.00:44:34.389 --> 00:44:35.989


And I was like, Well, I'm not ready for that.00:44:36.069 --> 00:44:37.909


So let me put this book away.00:44:38.230 --> 00:44:51.589


And then last year, at the Creative Arts Center where I now teach, I was part of their newsletter because I took a drawing class several years ago, and they were like, free community gathering for artists way.00:44:51.750 --> 00:44:53.750


And I was like, oh, I'll do free right now.00:44:53.989 --> 00:44:58.949


I just left my job, so I had time because the class was like at a very inconvenient time.00:44:59.029 --> 00:45:01.190


It was like Thursday at 1 p.m., you know.00:45:01.269 --> 00:45:06.149


So, like you, you you either have no job, you're retired, or you're an entrepreneur.00:45:06.230 --> 00:45:07.909


That's the only way you're making it to this class, right?00:45:07.989 --> 00:45:09.670


And I fit all of those.00:45:09.909 --> 00:45:12.869


And so my classmates were all retirees like me.00:45:13.029 --> 00:45:18.710


You know, they were like 65-year-old white women and men, and then there was me.00:45:19.269 --> 00:45:23.509


And um seven of us started and two of us finished, and I was one of those.00:45:23.670 --> 00:45:30.789


And so through the artist way experience, one of the things that she has is like like write a letter to God and like while you're mad.00:45:31.429 --> 00:45:35.029


And so I was like walking one day and I was like, why am I mad at God?00:45:35.269 --> 00:45:39.109


And I was like, I know exactly why the fuck I'm mad at God, my father.00:45:39.509 --> 00:45:41.029


Why the fuck did you go?00:45:41.190 --> 00:45:42.710


You shouldn't have left when you did.00:45:42.869 --> 00:45:47.029


You should have, you, you shouldn't have had me as old as you did, because you was 57 when I was born.00:45:47.109 --> 00:45:52.469


I'm like, why would you decide to bring me into the world so ancient when you knew you weren't gonna be here for most of it?00:45:52.549 --> 00:45:54.149


That was like not fair.00:45:55.029 --> 00:46:00.949


And so, as part of the journey, of course, she makes you like write a letter to the God that will let you create.00:46:01.109 --> 00:46:05.029


And there was like so much stuff that came out of like why I wasn't creating anymore.00:46:05.109 --> 00:46:08.949


And I started to see myself as a creative for the first time.00:46:09.190 --> 00:46:11.589


I started to write a letter of forgiveness to God.00:46:11.670 --> 00:46:18.149


I started to ask the question of maybe his death happened exactly when it needed to.00:46:19.909 --> 00:46:28.069


And that was I don't transformational doesn't even be it's not a big enough word for what that experience was.00:46:28.869 --> 00:46:32.549


It was when I feel like I actually started being alive.00:46:33.829 --> 00:46:35.109


Maybe transcendent?00:46:35.589 --> 00:46:36.230


Yeah.00:46:37.269 --> 00:46:39.429


Yeah, self-transcendence.00:46:39.909 --> 00:46:40.549


Yeah.00:46:41.349 --> 00:46:48.789


And I'm I've just been a different woman since then because I see myself as a creative in every space of my being.00:46:48.869 --> 00:46:51.509


Like I just center my life around my art.00:46:51.670 --> 00:46:53.349


My life is my art now.00:46:53.909 --> 00:47:15.829


Um and that was I think the most potent um multi-layered awakening that I had was realizing, you know, going back to the example of like the chef and the food and stuff, is like realizing I can cook something different.00:47:15.989 --> 00:47:20.710


And not just cook something different in a small space, I can build systems.00:47:21.429 --> 00:47:36.710


And later through the years, when I decided to call myself an embodied liberations guide, and I said, you know what my version of a free world looks like existing outside of white supremacy, colonization, unconscious capitalism, patriarchy, and now religion.00:47:36.949 --> 00:47:38.629


That's what freedom looks like to me.00:47:38.710 --> 00:47:39.909


And I'm gonna be part of that.00:47:40.069 --> 00:47:43.509


So not just disrupting a specific space.00:47:43.670 --> 00:47:48.230


I go into every space with the intention that I'm gonna say some disruptive shit.00:47:48.469 --> 00:47:50.869


I'm gonna say something that hasn't been said.00:47:51.109 --> 00:47:54.629


I'm gonna make you know that I had am multifaceted.00:47:54.710 --> 00:47:58.069


I'm not gonna hide any aspect of myself, and then I'm gonna leave.00:47:58.149 --> 00:47:59.989


And like that's my networking.00:48:01.829 --> 00:48:04.949


I like to rattle cages a little bit, so I get it completely.00:48:09.190 --> 00:48:12.869


So, okay, now we you've had the creative awakening.00:48:12.949 --> 00:48:16.469


You've had the spiritual awakening, now the creative awake awakening.00:48:17.029 --> 00:48:22.149


And so what did things start to, by the way?00:48:22.230 --> 00:48:26.869


I I I took a group through the artist way probably 25 years ago.00:48:26.949 --> 00:48:34.949


We did it over a period of weeks, and I don't remember very much about it other than that it was just amazing at the time.00:48:35.190 --> 00:48:35.670


Yeah.00:48:35.989 --> 00:48:42.549


I I I and I have hung on to the book and here a couple of years ago, bought a workbook.00:48:42.949 --> 00:48:49.509


They now she's produced a workbook, and I thought about maybe maybe leading a class or two.00:48:49.829 --> 00:48:51.829


I I love to do stuff like that.00:48:52.069 --> 00:48:56.149


Um it's a game changer.00:48:56.469 --> 00:48:57.989


It's definitely a game changer.00:48:58.309 --> 00:49:04.149


So let's talk for a minute because we're we're starting to get close to the end of our time.00:49:04.230 --> 00:49:21.909


Let's talk about our our third leg of what we bring about on every conversation, and that is now the awakening is behind you, and you are becoming someone that you've never been before.00:49:22.149 --> 00:49:30.789


Let's talk about that becoming, what that looks like, and and can you specifically tell us who it is, not what it is.00:49:30.869 --> 00:49:35.750


There's a those are two different conversations, but who it is that you're becoming.00:49:35.989 --> 00:49:42.549


And and I'm gonna clarify because I asked this to somebody the other day, and they didn't, I didn't clarify it.00:49:42.629 --> 00:49:46.389


And and what you're becoming is an external thing.00:49:46.549 --> 00:49:50.230


I'm becoming an artist, I'm becoming a whatever, you know.00:49:51.670 --> 00:49:54.149


Who you're becoming is an internal thing.00:49:54.389 --> 00:49:59.509


And Dwight touched on it a few minutes ago when he talked about integrity.00:50:00.230 --> 00:50:05.750


And so our our who are we becoming to me is the foundation.00:50:05.909 --> 00:50:10.309


It comes first, it's what informs what we are becoming.00:50:10.629 --> 00:50:13.589


That's my take, that's my download.00:50:13.909 --> 00:50:31.750


But I'm wanting to kind of explore who it is that you're becoming, what your clarity is on that, and and it's that inside thing, those character traits and values and things that we really want to lean into because that's how we see ourselves.00:50:31.989 --> 00:50:32.629


Yeah.00:50:32.869 --> 00:50:35.909


You know, and I just I'm gonna say this probably on every episode.00:50:35.989 --> 00:50:41.509


You know, people out there listening, we get to be anybody we want to be.00:50:42.230 --> 00:50:45.750


And we get to show up in the world any way we want to show up.00:50:45.989 --> 00:50:51.509


Quit saying this is the hand that I got dealt and I have to fucking deal with it.00:50:51.750 --> 00:50:53.109


Quit saying that.00:50:53.190 --> 00:50:54.309


It that is a lie.00:50:54.469 --> 00:50:56.869


You're lying to yourself, you're lying to everybody around you.00:50:57.029 --> 00:50:58.549


It is not the truth.00:50:58.789 --> 00:51:02.230


The truth is you can be anybody you want to be.00:51:02.789 --> 00:51:06.869


It's an internal thing, it is something that cannot be taken away from you.00:51:07.029 --> 00:51:07.269


Yeah.00:51:07.429 --> 00:51:09.269


So I'll turn it over to you now.00:51:09.509 --> 00:51:10.149


Yeah.00:51:11.190 --> 00:51:19.109


So I'll start with, since you mentioned values, I'll start with the three values that I centered myself around.00:51:19.269 --> 00:51:22.789


And I've done a ton of values work, it's just part of being an entrepreneur, right?00:51:22.869 --> 00:51:24.309


Like they always, what are your core values?00:51:24.389 --> 00:51:25.109


What are your core values?00:51:25.190 --> 00:51:29.349


And people typically think about their the values of their business as if it's a separate entity.00:51:29.589 --> 00:51:33.190


For me, I knew that my business was going to be an extension of me.00:51:33.349 --> 00:51:38.869


But in order for it to be an extension of me, I have to know what the me is for it to be extended, right?00:51:39.190 --> 00:51:47.989


And so I did um earlier in the summer, I did this like entrepreneur program, and they had a different set of values than I had seen.00:51:48.149 --> 00:51:52.629


Um, or the conglomeration of it was just like slightly different than what I'm typically used to.00:51:53.029 --> 00:51:55.269


And they force you to pick three.00:51:55.349 --> 00:52:02.549


And I had had seven, and then I have I evolved that from four conglomerates that each have four.00:52:02.629 --> 00:52:06.309


Cause I'm like a lit, I'm like a what are the the Russian dolls or whatever?00:52:06.389 --> 00:52:10.069


Like I'm a one, four values isn't sufficient for me.00:52:10.149 --> 00:52:15.190


I need those four values to have 12 values underneath them because I'm embodying, you know, all of them.00:52:15.429 --> 00:52:29.589


But my three that I think really represent my multifacetedness and the way that I'm approaching my life now are inner harmony, creativity, and wisdom.00:52:30.389 --> 00:52:36.789


And so for me, creativity is the bridge between the inner harmony and the wisdom.00:52:37.509 --> 00:52:42.069


Because it means that I'm not just being wise for myself.00:52:42.469 --> 00:52:52.789


I am sharing that with others through everything that I do, whether I speak with my energy, with my style, with my post, with the color that I choose, with everything.00:52:52.869 --> 00:52:54.549


I I it is intentional.00:52:54.710 --> 00:53:00.469


I move with, I pay attention to myself and everything that I do.00:53:00.789 --> 00:53:04.309


Um, versus people that exist, like, oh, I don't know why I did this.00:53:04.389 --> 00:53:06.629


I don't know why I chose this, I don't know why I wore this.00:53:06.789 --> 00:53:24.629


Like, I know why I chose the things that I chose, and I'm into the energy of what I'm sharing, very intentional around sharing my space and energy with people that are open to me because I enjoy myself so thoroughly that I don't, yes.00:53:25.029 --> 00:53:36.869


I want to stop for a second and just go back to what you said a moment ago, and that is you are very intentional about all of that because all of that is an extension of you.00:53:37.190 --> 00:53:39.429


It tells the world who you are.00:53:39.670 --> 00:53:40.230


Yeah.00:53:40.549 --> 00:53:49.269


And when we don't get that, we put all kinds of crazy shit out there that's telling the world things about us that may or may not be accurate.00:53:49.589 --> 00:53:50.230


Right.00:53:51.909 --> 00:53:52.549


Yeah.00:53:53.349 --> 00:54:00.710


So I'll say one thing that I think is a pivotal piece of how these values show up for me.00:54:00.789 --> 00:54:05.429


Because I, you know, started off the conversation talking about like what it is that I do, and that's more of the external, right?00:54:05.509 --> 00:54:06.710


Like, what do I do in my business?00:54:06.869 --> 00:54:07.509


How do I show up?00:54:07.589 --> 00:54:08.710


That's all external.00:54:08.949 --> 00:54:25.989


We're talking about values, but what is what was imperative as part of this creative awakening is that, and how the systems fit in is that so I, on top of all that reading and stuff that I was doing, I decided to be child free four years ago.00:54:26.149 --> 00:54:31.750


My my four-year anniversary is actually tomorrow of when I got sterilized by choice.00:54:31.989 --> 00:54:35.190


I'd never been pregnant, never desired to be pregnant.00:54:35.429 --> 00:54:44.869


And it's the best decision of my life because I feel like when I woke up, I was like, oh, I'm finally free to do whatever the fuck I want to and not be worried about getting pregnant for like the next 15 years or more.00:54:45.589 --> 00:54:50.230


I didn't want to wait to menopause to like be free because I didn't know if I was gonna make it to menopause.00:54:50.309 --> 00:54:52.069


So I was like, I want to be free like today.00:54:52.309 --> 00:55:06.789


And so while it was liberating on one hand to not worry about pregnancy, which is a constant worry that women have from the moment we get our periods, it's just and you're sexual and you're not married, you're always thinking about, am I pregnant?00:55:06.949 --> 00:55:09.909


Like it is insidious how much you fucking think about it.00:55:10.069 --> 00:55:16.389


Like your period becomes, when you're not trying to be pregnant, a respite, a reminder, like, oh, made it this time.00:55:16.469 --> 00:55:24.389


And then if you're on birth control, then it causes a different type of dissociation with your body because you don't see your body in cycles anymore.00:55:24.869 --> 00:55:47.989


So when I when I liberated myself on that one side, there was also now space for me to observe the fact that because I wasn't gonna produce children, I felt inherently unworthy as a creator because I'm not creating the things that people say I'm I'm supposed to create, which is human life.00:55:48.309 --> 00:55:50.149


So I have a dead womb.00:55:50.469 --> 00:55:53.029


My sacral chakra is done.00:55:53.429 --> 00:55:54.869


I cannot create.00:55:55.029 --> 00:55:59.029


I don't have the capacity, the desire.00:55:59.190 --> 00:56:14.469


Like, there's many orthodox ways of thinking that say that as a woman who will not marry, because I'm marriage-free, like, and I'm very adamant about that, who will not marry and who will not reproduce, that I'm worthless, that I have no purpose.00:56:14.710 --> 00:56:18.389


And even if people don't say that to me, I see it being said.00:56:18.949 --> 00:56:23.190


I see it, you know, being shared in, you know, different social media groups and stuff.00:56:23.349 --> 00:56:29.109


And so, how can I not see that and be that and not think that you're talking about people like me?00:56:29.429 --> 00:56:32.469


This this comes back to they're not my people.00:56:32.789 --> 00:56:33.029


Right.00:56:33.190 --> 00:56:33.909


Yeah, right.00:56:34.469 --> 00:56:48.789


And so as part of this creative reclamation, I had to realize that I had not just the capacity to be a creative, but immense capacity to be creative in every way.00:56:49.269 --> 00:56:51.829


And that is one of the gifts that the artist way gave me.00:56:51.909 --> 00:56:55.269


And I know that there's a bunch of creativity books, and not everybody rocks with the artist way.00:56:55.429 --> 00:56:57.909


I'm a cult leader for it because it transforms me.00:56:58.149 --> 00:57:07.429


Um, but for me, inner harmony, back to the point that you had said earlier, Dwight, is like me being connected to my truth at all times.00:57:07.670 --> 00:57:10.309


And that's why I have creative practices.00:57:10.469 --> 00:57:17.750


I think a lot of times we think about creativity as like when the spark hits me, and it's like you need to be working with your creativity.00:57:17.909 --> 00:57:19.509


I do morning pages every single day.00:57:19.589 --> 00:57:20.710


I meditate every single day.00:57:20.869 --> 00:57:22.710


I move my body almost every single day.00:57:22.869 --> 00:57:28.149


Like I am constantly in relationship with my body, with my spirit, with my mind.00:57:28.469 --> 00:57:35.509


I know what I'm thinking, I know what I'm feeling, I know what I'm doing, and it's I'm attuned to myself.00:57:35.750 --> 00:57:40.069


You cannot have inner harmony without self-attunment because what are you harmonizing?00:57:40.869 --> 00:57:46.469


And so when you have that attunement, it allows you to be intentional with your creativity.00:57:46.629 --> 00:57:51.349


It allows you to be intentional with what you think needs to exist outside of you.00:57:51.429 --> 00:58:01.349


I'm very legacy-oriented despite being child-free, because my legacy is every single moment, every interaction that someone has.00:58:01.509 --> 00:58:07.670


And sometimes people are not the better for knowing me because I trigger people too, and I'm okay with that.00:58:08.389 --> 00:58:08.629


Yeah.00:58:08.869 --> 00:58:11.429


Well, that's triggering them is not always a bad thing.00:58:11.670 --> 00:58:11.989


Right.00:58:12.389 --> 00:58:12.789


Yeah.00:58:13.109 --> 00:58:15.670


I mean, there's a place for you in this world.00:58:15.750 --> 00:58:17.750


There are people that need to be triggered.00:58:17.909 --> 00:58:18.230


Yes.00:58:18.469 --> 00:58:21.349


And legacy is about what you leave behind.00:58:21.509 --> 00:58:26.789


Legacy and people that think that's children, please, that's so limiting.00:58:27.190 --> 00:58:27.509


Yeah.00:58:28.469 --> 00:58:33.509


I can never ever have a baby and still leave an immense legacy.00:58:33.829 --> 00:58:42.789


Yeah, I I think it's great that you are you champion all of the great things that Julie Cameron's putting out there, particularly the artist way.00:58:43.109 --> 00:58:59.429


But I I also uh think that we would be remiss if we didn't acknowledge uh some of the ways that you're bringing forth uh some of the subtext and what Argaret Atwood was putting out in The Handmaid's Tale.00:59:00.309 --> 00:59:14.789


Um and and I guess by way of the reverse of the the world that she created, but I know that for some people, even though uh it it may be that they were being hit on the head with it, they they just failed to see it.00:59:14.949 --> 00:59:17.670


For some people, that is some fever wet dream.00:59:17.909 --> 00:59:18.309


Yeah.00:59:19.509 --> 00:59:29.909


But you know, by some definitions, what you described, um making it to where you have a dead womb, uh, the patriarchal definition of a woman, it's in the word.00:59:30.309 --> 00:59:32.230


It is it is part of it.00:59:32.629 --> 00:59:44.549


Uh I'm glad that you are a fully free female presenting person of your own right, and you're calling your own shots.00:59:44.710 --> 00:59:45.109


Yeah.00:59:45.269 --> 00:59:50.710


And I'm glad that you can serve as a model for others that this is the way it can be done.00:59:50.949 --> 00:59:51.269


Yeah.00:59:51.589 --> 00:59:53.190


This is a recipe you can follow.00:59:53.429 --> 00:59:53.589


Yeah.00:59:54.309 --> 00:59:57.349


Your entire story is very inspiring.00:59:57.750 --> 01:00:04.389


And and you know, and we're and we're aware that it all it hasn't all been pretty and it all hasn't been perfect.01:00:04.629 --> 01:00:12.230


There's been some really, really challenging things, and you've gotten down in the weeds and the dirt to get to where you are today.01:00:12.389 --> 01:00:16.149


And you're not done being in the weeds and the dirt because are we ever?01:00:16.389 --> 01:00:16.949


Yeah.01:00:17.190 --> 01:00:18.949


You know, yeah.01:00:19.589 --> 01:00:22.149


Uh this has been a magical hour.01:00:22.789 --> 01:00:23.349


Same.01:00:24.230 --> 01:00:27.829


And we didn't even talk about the things that we said we were going to talk about when we first started.01:00:28.149 --> 01:00:35.670


You know, and I think that things unfold kind of the way they need to unfold.01:00:36.230 --> 01:00:37.109


I just thought about that.01:00:37.190 --> 01:00:39.349


I thought, well, you know, we were gonna kind of cover this.01:00:39.509 --> 01:00:42.789


And it's okay because maybe it doesn't have to be a one and done.01:00:43.029 --> 01:00:43.269


Yeah.01:00:43.670 --> 01:00:44.629


Yeah, exactly.01:00:44.869 --> 01:00:52.469


And um there's there's a reason it went the way it went, and it and it was truly a very inspiring story.01:00:52.789 --> 01:00:53.349


Thank you.01:00:53.829 --> 01:01:12.710


Very grateful that you have come and blessed us and our listeners with your story because I I mean, come on, you know, uh immigrant comes to the United States and you have done great things.01:01:13.429 --> 01:01:17.190


You you have set a pace to show people what's possible.01:01:17.750 --> 01:01:26.469


People who oftentimes are prone to believe that it's not possible because of who they are or where they're from or or the color of their skin.01:01:26.629 --> 01:01:28.069


It's all just bullshit.01:01:28.230 --> 01:01:28.710


Yeah.01:01:30.309 --> 01:01:33.909


You know, and there'll be some people that will resent you for popping that bubble.01:01:34.230 --> 01:01:40.629


There'll be some people that will resent you for taking away their excuse for not being all that they can be.01:01:40.869 --> 01:01:41.429


Yeah.01:01:41.750 --> 01:01:42.710


And that's okay.01:01:42.869 --> 01:01:43.989


That's where they are.01:01:44.469 --> 01:01:46.469


As Mel Robin says, let them.01:01:46.789 --> 01:01:47.109


Yeah.01:01:47.349 --> 01:01:48.069


Let them.01:01:48.309 --> 01:01:48.469


Yeah.01:01:49.349 --> 01:02:02.149


Wait, uh before we end, though, I want to add one more thing that is a representation of the other side of my creative awakening that um I'm saying out loud too as accountability.01:02:02.629 --> 01:02:07.349


Um so for my birthday in September, I went to Portugal with my mom.01:02:07.429 --> 01:02:14.309


We have some Portuguese heritage in our very mixed race bag of colonized history, it's being from Dominican Republic.01:02:14.469 --> 01:02:22.549


And part of my purpose going is I exist with colonizer and colonized blood in my ancestry.01:02:23.269 --> 01:02:29.190


And I can't, like, I speak two colonizer languages, English and Spanish, you know?01:02:29.349 --> 01:02:35.349


And I I, as a truth teller to myself, I don't like deny that those are my root systems.01:02:35.670 --> 01:02:40.869


But I have also challenged my ancestors because you can talk back to your ancestors, by the way.01:02:41.109 --> 01:02:47.190


I have challenged my ancestors that they have to repair their ruptures to on the other side, because I can't carry all that shit.01:02:47.269 --> 01:02:48.869


I got stuff to do over here.01:02:49.190 --> 01:02:55.349


And part of that trip was to reconcile how I can be both colonizer and colonize and be connected.01:02:55.429 --> 01:03:10.629


That fracture that I felt long ago when my father died and felt like I had these split personalities, like that fracture was exacerbated, like over the years, of seeing how many different things coexist within me and how the fuck do I put this in the same container?01:03:11.029 --> 01:03:15.029


And so that was like the initial purpose behind that trip.01:03:15.109 --> 01:03:17.909


But on the other side, so my mom and I were there together for eight days.01:03:17.989 --> 01:03:19.829


On the ninth day, I was there by myself.01:03:19.989 --> 01:03:24.869


And one of my favorite things to do in my travels is I do graffiti and mural hunting.01:03:25.109 --> 01:03:26.149


I photograph them.01:03:26.230 --> 01:03:31.029


A lot of these pieces that are behind me are pieces that I have photographed in my travels around the world.01:03:31.190 --> 01:03:37.029


And they are all very significant to me in very significant ways.01:03:37.190 --> 01:03:41.750


And so one of my dreams is to be a muralist, right?01:03:42.230 --> 01:03:49.349


And painting to me is the most terrifying thing because I'm like, if I could turn my feelings into color, oh my God.01:03:49.509 --> 01:03:53.670


Like, don't talk to me because I'm gonna be fucking more unstoppable, more of a force of nature.01:03:53.750 --> 01:04:02.629


But it is so scary to me as I sit surrounded by like I took watercolor earlier this year and hardest classes that I've ever taken, PhD included, right?01:04:03.029 --> 01:04:11.109


So as I'm in this tour by myself, my last day there, I had this thought, like, I think I want to go to art school.01:04:11.429 --> 01:04:15.190


And then I saw myself having a thought, and I'm like, that's so aggressive.01:04:15.349 --> 01:04:20.789


Like, I don't want to actually go through art school, but I want the experience of art school.01:04:20.869 --> 01:04:40.789


And so then I'm like, you know, continuing to go along in the tour, and I was like, what if as a creator, I created my own art school, like a decolonial mix of both in-person and online capacities to learn the theory and the application of different mediums of painting.01:04:41.190 --> 01:04:46.710


And I just designed like a three-year curriculum for myself because I know I can reach goals, right?01:04:46.949 --> 01:04:48.549


I know I can design things.01:04:48.710 --> 01:05:05.750


And I want the experience to your point, Maddox, not because I want to be paid for my paintings, although that will happen, but because I want to be able to be like, I'm about to make this painting of this thing that I have in my head, and then I'm gonna go kill it on the piano because I'm also taking piano classes now.01:05:06.149 --> 01:05:13.909


And I like also had this like dream over the weekend of like one of these days, I'm just gonna roll up to North Park, play the piano, kill it, and then just walk away.01:05:13.989 --> 01:05:17.029


Like, that's kind of one of the things that I want to be able to do.01:05:17.429 --> 01:05:24.869


And so I have like a rough draft of that outline of this art school curriculum.01:05:25.190 --> 01:05:27.269


And I'm going to follow it.01:05:27.589 --> 01:05:45.429


And that is what has become possible for me when I allowed myself to be a PhD who had lived this very full life already, but also allow myself to be an artist in the way that I want to, and know that I don't have to go to art school to be an artist.01:05:46.309 --> 01:05:54.869


And that, you know, we live in a world where we have so many, so much information accessible and available to us that that is available to us.01:05:54.949 --> 01:05:58.389


You know, like you can be that audacious and be like, you know what?01:05:58.710 --> 01:06:02.869


I'm gonna become an artist, I'm gonna take myself through art school just because I can.01:06:02.949 --> 01:06:13.349


And I will design my life around that as I'm playing the piano, as I'm writing my book, as I'm hosting retreats, as I'm teaching, as I'm coaching, because I don't have kids and I don't have a husband, so I can.01:06:13.670 --> 01:06:15.750


I have time of the gift of time.01:06:15.909 --> 01:06:22.549


Um, so I wanted to share that because it is one of the most outrageous ideas that I've had, and I'm really excited about it.01:06:23.109 --> 01:06:24.389


And so you should be.01:06:24.549 --> 01:06:26.069


I think it's brilliant.01:06:27.429 --> 01:06:40.149


You know, I also think that if we knew how few really accomplished artists actually have art degrees, we would be shocked.01:06:40.389 --> 01:06:41.429


How few.01:06:42.869 --> 01:06:44.949


Yeah, that is but one path.01:06:45.190 --> 01:06:58.789


And uh the other side of that is we would also be shocked by how many um art school graduates are doing anything but yes, yeah.01:06:59.190 --> 01:07:00.949


Corporate jobs, yes.01:07:01.190 --> 01:07:07.509


Yeah, okay, we've got to wrap, but this was absolutely fabulous.01:07:07.909 --> 01:07:08.789


Thank you.01:07:09.349 --> 01:07:10.629


Thank you, thank you.01:07:11.109 --> 01:07:13.349


Thank you for this magnificent conversation.01:07:13.429 --> 01:07:15.429


I'm really glad we made space for it today.01:07:15.829 --> 01:07:17.109


Yeah, me too.