#093: Why Talented People Quietly Disengage

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Dwight: Welcome to another edition of Community and Becoming for the love of creatives. I'm your host, Dwight, and today we're going to talk about some creative tension. So, every team has a conversation that they keep postponing.

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Dwight: You know those things that just keep coming around and never quite seem to be solved.

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Dwight: We've all been in those situations where there's people walking away with polite agreement.

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Dwight: But there's also just decisions that

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Dwight: quietly stall. We keep kicking the can down the road.

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Dwight: And you'll notice that there are really talented, good people who just seem to keep disengaging, and everyone can kind of feel that tension, but nobody really says anything. Like, it's just something that's there, it hangs in the room, it hangs over everybody.

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Dwight: And here's the deal, it has a real cost.

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Dwight: Avoidance costs time, Momentum?

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Dwight: Clarity?

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Dwight: and trust.

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Dwight: And it also makes it so that people just don't feel safe. They can't bring their real issues to the table.

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Dwight: They have to try to fit some weird, over-edited version of themselves into the room, because it just doesn't feel okay to…

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Dwight: Let whatever it might be that's really Causing the friction to… Be spoken out loud.

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Dwight: Alright, stay with me here.

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Dwight: I'm gonna give you a way to recognize when these things pop up, to see them in conversation, and see the conversation at the surface, and see what's happening beneath the conversation.

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Dwight: Plus We'll walk away with the question that we can use to begin to…

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Dwight: Really open things up and try to shift things to a direction that's a little more productive.

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Dwight: Now, the main thing that we want to really look at is how

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Dwight: In Teams, you're gonna have a collection of people that have different backgrounds, they have their gifts, they have the things that they're really talented at.

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Dwight: And whenever you have a collection of people that come together.

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Dwight: It's never that you have a lack of talent, or a lack of smarts, or the lack of another slide deck.

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Dwight: Lord knows, we probably have

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Dwight: Way more of those than we would ever care to see, but here's the deal.

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Dwight: When those rooms become… Unsafe. When the tension becomes thick enough to cut with an axe.

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Dwight: We got problems.

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Dwight: Now, you may remember, I believe it was episode number 86, where I talk about how the best off-sites are the ones where we…

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Dwight: Finally get around to the things that need to be said.

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Dwight: You know, where people can…

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Dwight: Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Well, we're gonna retread some of that, but we're gonna extend that a little bit.

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Dwight: So, the idea is.

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Dwight: We want to be able to make it so that we can call out the truth.

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Dwight: Alright? And I get it. There are certain settings where you have to put on your armor. You gotta be a certain person in order to just move things forward, and you don't want to create waves, and you don't want to step on anybody's toes.

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Dwight: But sometimes, you just gotta get real. Because the more you try to put a pretty face on something that's ugly, the more it starts to stink.

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Dwight: And let's face it, life is hard enough without trying to put lipstick on pigs and trying to put sequins on a steaming pile, alright?

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Dwight: Here's the thing, we… if we spend so much time trying to twist ourselves into shapes to make it so that we… we make it so nobody gets offended or hurt.

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Dwight: then we wind up hurting ourselves. We wind up putting ourselves in danger of needing to take

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Dwight: More than an extended holiday. I'm talking about

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Dwight: probably some hospital time, probably doing some… some serious damage, causing ulcers, seizures, who knows? But let's… let's not worry about that. We're gonna talk about some interventions that we can take before it gets to that point.

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Dwight: Heart-centered creatives know that the cost of hiding their work, or minimizing themselves.

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Dwight: Can be a lot more than just a missed opportunity.

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Dwight: It's something that really cuts to the bone, but here's the deal.

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Dwight: At our hearts, we are all creative. Let's face it. In order to get out of bed in the morning, in order to figure out how it was you needed to navigate what you needed to do, you had to apply some creative smarts. You had to do some things that had you

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Dwight: Step outside of the box a little bit, just to make it.

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Dwight: Teams are interesting collections of creative people, no matter what the team is assembled for. We're not all the Avengers.

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Dwight: And that's okay.

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Dwight: Sometimes we just need to put our heads together to make it so that we can do a project. I'm a big believer in the fact that many hands make light work.

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Dwight: And that's why we have teams, because if we just had a single person that was trying to figure things out, then we would…

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Dwight: Only have that single perspective, that single person's experience to try to move things forward.

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Dwight: Whenever we engage with someone that's outside of ourselves, sometimes we are challenged. Sometimes we see things that we had no way of being able to imagine before.

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Dwight: And that's really the beauty of doing things in groups.

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Dwight: Now, with that, there are going to be

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Dwight: Rising concerns, maybe a little cultural friction, maybe there are people that just have different needs, and it can cause dissent, it can cause resentment.

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Dwight: It's just a part of being human. It's how we show up to deal with it that makes all the difference.

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Dwight: Now, I'm going to leave you today with a framework for dealing with exactly that.

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Dwight: And I know that we love alliteration, it makes it really easy to remember things, so here's the framework.

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Dwight: Notice… name, navigate.

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Dwight: Got it.

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Dwight: Alright, so let's start with the first… the first N notice. We want to notice the signal.

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Dwight: What is it that gets joked about repeatedly?

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Dwight: Huh? So, here's the thing with comedy.

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Dwight: I learned a little while ago that comedy is just a test of a violation. It's a way that we can say something in such a way that maybe really needs to be said, but in a way where we can kind of take it back, because it's… it's just a joke, right?

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Dwight: And whenever we're dealing with Things that are a little uncomfortable.

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Dwight: It's real easy to package them and joke, so pay attention.

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Dwight: Whenever there's…

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Dwight: A joke that keeps coming around, because there may be an uncomfortable truth that needs to be surfaced.

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Dwight: Along those same lines, Notice what keeps returning.

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Dwight: What is it that keeps coming back? What is it that we never quite solve?

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Dwight: That we keep trying to work at the edges of, but somehow it just…

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Dwight: Keeps showing up like a bad penny.

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Dwight: And another angle to look at.

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Dwight: Notice where the energy drops.

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Dwight: Where conflict gets redirected.

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Dwight: Or where, sometimes, There's just an uncomfortable silence that…

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Dwight: Keeps hanging over that same topic, or… That same thing that keeps…

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Dwight: Somehow coming up. You know, you know, you're starting to see the elephant

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Dwight: In the room. That thing that… Shall not be named.

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Dwight: Think about all of those things, think about those questions.

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Dwight: And… I want you to… Change your frame on them just a little bit, and think that that tension

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Dwight: is information. It's not automatically a threat.

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Dwight: Lean into when you see those things and think about them as an opportunity.

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Dwight: Because you notice where it gets weird.

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Dwight: You can start doing something about it.

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Dwight: Alright, so that's… that's where we want to go for notice.

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Dwight: So, in our framework, we said notice, then name. We want to name the real question.

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Dwight: Alright?

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Dwight: So let's move from blame to curiosity.

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Dwight: Instead of… Asking a question like, why aren't people accountable?

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Dwight: Let's try this on instead.

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Dwight: What's making follow-through Hard for us right now.

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Dwight: Right? You see the difference there? Instead of pointing a finger, And talking about them.

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Dwight: We're not worried about them being accountable. We are getting in the boat.

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Dwight: And we're gonna say, well, what is it that's making it difficult

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Dwight: For us to follow through right now.

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Dwight: We're all rolling up our sleeves and trying to figure it out.

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Dwight: Doesn't that feel way better?

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Dwight: Alright, so let's try another one for naming the real question.

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Dwight: Instead of saying, Why is this team resistant?

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Dwight: Why don't we ask?

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Dwight: What concern Hasn't yet had a safe place to be heard.

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Dwight: And I get that can be a little bit of a stretch. And the thing is, I know that the default that we are taught is to look at things as problems to diagnose.

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Dwight: It's not your fault. It's… it's the culture. It's the prevailing, overwhelming way that we're all conditioned.

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Dwight: You gotta see a problem so you can fix it. Let's… let's erase that.

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Dwight: how can we imagine that things can be the best that they possibly can be? How can things be better than we imagine?

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Dwight: Let's… let's stop trying to fix problems.

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Dwight: Alright, so we've talked about noticing the signal. We've talked about naming the real question. You've got a few ways of being able to phrase… phrase questions in such a way that we're not blaming, we're just curious.

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Dwight: So, next we're going to… Navigate with care.

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Dwight: Alright?

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Dwight: a facilitator Doesn't force disclosure or demand manufactured vulnerability.

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Dwight: Right? We're not going to role-play our way into making it so that we suddenly are enlightened.

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Dwight: Life doesn't work that way. We're people. We're complicated feeling beings, and we have our own baggage that we all carry, and we have to be comfortable with our own internal tension before we can deal with the things that are happening outside.

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Dwight: What we facilitators do instead is we design enough safety, structure.

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Dwight: And listening for people to tell the truth and move toward A shared commitment.

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Dwight: Right?

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Dwight: It doesn't have to be that we're all incredibly happy. We just…

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Dwight: Called things out, and put everything on the table.

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Dwight: And we do so in such a way that we are…

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Dwight: Honest, and we're going to… we're going to make it so that it's safe to share. Safe to say what's… what's coming up.

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Dwight: So, a thing about honesty. I know that there's… there was…

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Dwight: A little bit of a trend a few years back around radical candor, and unfortunately, there were some

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Dwight: People that just use that as a license to be

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Dwight: evil, to be brutal. To… to just be cruel. No, no, no, no.

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Dwight: Honesty without care.

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Dwight: Can cause great harm.

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Dwight: There's a… there's a way to be honest, and a way to do so in a way that's kind.

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Dwight: Now, care without honesty Can just leave a team stuck.

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Dwight: Right? We don't want to be so extreme with trying to be nice.

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Dwight: that we… Don't create a path for problems to be resolved.

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Dwight: We need to find a way for honesty and care to harmonize.

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Dwight: We need to… Be equipped with both.

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Dwight: And… that's… really… In a nutshell, what it is to navigate with care.

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Dwight: We want to present the truth.

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Dwight: But do so in such a way that Doesn't cause harm.

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Dwight: So to bring this away from the realm of just being theoretical, I'm gonna take a little bit of a risk and share

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Dwight: A little bit of my own personal journey in dealing with these very… These very things.

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Dwight: I had to deal with a rather large project that assembled a diverse group of people, and

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Dwight: I am trying my best to protect the guilty and the innocent.

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Dwight: Because I'm sure that… Some of you are listening.

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Dwight: And that's okay.

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Dwight: And if you recognize a little bit of yourself in this.

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Dwight: And you know me personally, there's a chance I could be talking about you, but I'm not going to spill any tea.

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Dwight: We had to deal with a months-long project, Where we had to uncover

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Dwight: large amounts of data. We had to look at a very specific problem.

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Dwight: And… it… created a lot of tension. It was one of those things where we had

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Dwight: A great deal of… of will, of…

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Dwight: Really talented people that wanted to

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Dwight: show up and deliver their best, but they wanted to do it on their terms. They had a lot of their own competing obligations, and in some ways, they were… everyone was under-resourced in some ways.

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Dwight: And we had, a large… heavy demands. And anytime you have some, have demands exceeding resources, it's going to cause that creative tension to spiral.

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Dwight: Now, the beautiful thing is.

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Dwight: That, even though we kept having a lot of the same… the same problems present themselves, there was…

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Dwight: A factor, I believe, was that we just had extended time, and with more time, there were more opportunities to find even more caches of data, more… more information to make things even more complicated.

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Dwight: And it just… it kept growing out of control. So, again, we were under-resourced because they were… in the grand scheme of things, even though, as I said, it was a large and disparate team.

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Dwight: We only had so much time that we could devote, and we… We're constantly, seemingly, operating from

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Dwight: old information. It was hard to keep up. But there came a point where we could just appreciate the larger truths.

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Dwight: And in some cases, we had to have what I've heard lovingly called some care frontizations.

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Dwight: And that's simply because…

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Dwight: We had some… some people, maybe it was because they were just a little bit too enthusiastic.

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Dwight: Who showed up in a way that was…

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Dwight: Less than kind, a little… a little impolite, a little bit, sharp-elbowed.

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Dwight: And in some ways, that were… That just violated the…

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Dwight: Accepted rules of how it is that people should behave.

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Dwight: And in some ways, we… there were some people that were asked to

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Dwight: Change their behaviors, some very indirectly at first.

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Dwight: And in other ways, the way that we navigated the tension was that…

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Dwight: We would not give oxygen to…

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Dwight: those bad actors in, whenever they would… would flare up. We… Thankfully, we were dealing with

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Dwight: Adults who had… had their… their own sets of issues. Some of… some of them were…

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Dwight: Blessed with the wisdom of being parents.

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Dwight: And so they could recognize some of the…

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Dwight: Some of the patterns that come from bullying, or from people that are maybe not used to playing in the same sandbox.

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Dwight: But we were able to…

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Dwight: To navigate everything, complete the tasks of what this group was asked to do, why we were assembled.

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Dwight: We did it successfully, and… We did it in such a way that everyone had a voice.

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Dwight: And in the end, we were all proud of the outcome.

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Dwight: We all grew from the experience, because

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Dwight: I'm a believer that there's something to be learned from navigating that personal tension.

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Dwight: We all grew from it, and I think that we're better for it.

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Dwight: And what I learned from this experience was…

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Dwight: That there are sometimes hard lessons that come

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Dwight: From having to engage with things that are difficult.

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Dwight: And sometimes it can be uncomfortable to navigate those things while you're going through them.

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Dwight: But it is… So worth it to get to the other side of them.

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Dwight: Alright, so that's enough story time for now.

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Dwight: And if you're listening and wondering if I may be talking about you directly.

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Dwight: Well, let's just say if you know me, there, there's a chance.

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Dwight: Reach out, we'll talk.

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Dwight: So, let's… let's get back to our framework here. So, what I want you to walk away with is the whole thing with

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Dwight: The framework. The three N's, notice, Name, and navigate.

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Dwight: Notice the signal.

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Dwight: Name the real question, And navigate with care.

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Dwight: Just because you avoid a conversation.

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Dwight: It doesn't disappear.

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Dwight: It shows up somewhere else.

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Dwight: It'll show up in missed deadlines.

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Dwight: It'll show up in resentment, in burnout, in turnover, in shallow collaboration.

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Dwight: Or a culture where people will stop bringing their best ideas.

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Dwight: Where people just phone it in.

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Dwight: Where there's just… A polite veneer over people doing as little as possible.

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Dwight: When people can be honest and still belong.

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Dwight: They can create. They can decide and lead differently.

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Dwight: For the love of creatives exists to help heart-centered creatives move from surviving in isolation To thriving in community.

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Dwight: Sometimes that means… Whenever you have multiple creative people together.

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Dwight: We may have to navigate tension.

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Dwight: But it's through employing our curiosity that we can go from a place of reactivity.

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Dwight: To making it to where We build on wonder. We ask what if. We aspire to do something greater.

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Dwight: It's a choice.

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Dwight: Now, granted, when we have multiple people together.

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Dwight: We need to find a way to bring everyone along to make that choice.

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Dwight: So, before we… we actually close out.

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Dwight: I want to ask you to walk away with one thing that you're going to do.

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Dwight: Before your next meeting, before your next gathering, Where you have…

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Dwight: The possibility of facing some of this creative tension.

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Dwight: I want you to keep this question in mind.

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Dwight: What's the conversation that we keep having around the edges?

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Dwight: But haven't truly named.

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Dwight: Alright? Just hold on to that.

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Dwight: And if there's a question that your team, organization, your creative community is avoiding.

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Dwight: Leave it in the comments, or you can use it on our SpeakPipe site.

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Dwight: Where you can just… go and…

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Dwight: talk and just let us know what's happening. I… I listen and read Everything that comes in.

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Dwight: I'll gather whatever themes there are and maybe bring them to a future conversation on this show.

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Dwight: And I promise to keep everything anonymous.

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Dwight: No names, no calling anyone out, no making it weird.

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Dwight: Just an honest look at the questions that deserve room.

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Dwight: Sometimes the first act of leadership isn't having the answer.

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Dwight: It's having the courage to create a room where the real question can be heard.

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Dwight: That's all for now, and I'll catch you on the next edition of Community and Becoming, For the Love of Creatives.