#083: Spinach in Your Teeth and Other Reasons We Need Each Other

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Dwight: There's a quiet tension that a lot of creators feel when we are in the trenches doing the things that we do, and even though we might be surrounded by other creatives or people that are admiring our work.

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Dwight: We can feel painfully alone.

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Dwight: And that's something that we all have to fight through.

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Dwight: I know that's something that I have to deal with, because there are a lot of ways my particular situation is unique.

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Dwight: I'm juggling a whole lot of different responsibilities, and trying to keep things moving, and keep things running for this show, and…

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Dwight: There's a lot that goes into it, and when it looks like it's going well, it's because I am like a duck paddling fiercely for my life.

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Dwight: And trying to keep everything calm on the surface.

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Dwight: This is just a little conversation between you and me, a couple of creatives who are in the midst of doing the things that we love and also trying to live a balanced life.

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Dwight: It can be chaotic at times, and…

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Dwight: I'm here to let you know that you don't have to do it all by yourself and we'll talk through it. So for those of you just meeting me, I'm Dwight, one of the connections and community guys, host of For the Love of Creatives.

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Dwight: or more,

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Dwight: Accurately, in your feed, it's showing up as creativity… I'm sorry, community and becoming, for the love of creatives.

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Dwight: This is a labor of love put on by myself and my partner Maddox for our interview episodes. And for a lot of the episodes, it's just going to be you and me talking about what it is that we're doing in this creative life.

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Dwight: So, stick with me, and… We'll talk through…

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Dwight: What it is to cycle through these fits of loneliness and how it is that we can find community when we need it and maybe pay attention whenever.

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Dwight: That nagging feeling that we're…

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Dwight: Experiencing is letting us know that we're alone, we're not listening to our own internal signals and.

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Dwight: We keep grinding and grinding and grinding.

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Dwight: Let's try to tune our attention a little bit more so that instead of a trip to the hospital being the thing that makes it so that we

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Dwight: Try to be a little more social. We just,

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Dwight: Take advantage of the opportunities as they come our way.

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Dwight: So… I… I can relate to what it's like To know that we have.

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Dwight: All of the deadlines, all of the things that seem like they just have to happen, and in my experience.

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Dwight: I have had to deal with the fact that.

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Dwight: There have been a little… there have been a few resets, because

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Dwight: The scale of what's important is completely different when it's a life or death situation and I'll share with you from

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Dwight: the pandemic times, almost… I'd say I had a week or two reprieve when it was just me hanging out at home in March of…

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Dwight: 20?

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Dwight: But pretty soon after it, I think it was.

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Dwight: still at the end of March.

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Dwight: I had to deal with the fact that I was facing some pretty serious complications for my partner.

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Dwight: What had advanced liver disease.

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Dwight: And if you don't know anything about it, it requires intense treatment and around-the-clock care.

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Dwight: We had to go to hospitals during surges, and…

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Dwight: We just needed to do things that, by themselves, without the world falling apart, were… intense.

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Dwight: procedures that were… Invasive and odd.

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Dwight: But they became our routine.

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Dwight: But we had to do that in the midst of.

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Dwight: they're being… Tense.

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Dwight: where they took on new patients and overflowing intakes and waiting rooms, and yeah, it was… it was a mess. We… we don't have to rehash all that, but what I'm getting at is…

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Dwight: I can appreciate that no matter how important anything is that you're dealing with.

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Dwight: You gotta maintain some perspective.

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Dwight: The deadline can be renegotiated for whatever it is.

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Dwight: And it doesn't have to just be you.

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Dwight: You don't have to be the one to go it alone.

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Dwight: And that's hard to hear for some people. A lot of us might just have that feeling that we can't let go of that thing, but

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Dwight: I'm just letting you know.

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Dwight: Having been through something that intense and that chaotic.

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Dwight: Having to deal with that scale, that…

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Dwight: Tangible feeling of life and death.

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Dwight: you can always renegotiate. It's fine, I promise. It may seem really hard to do at first, but…

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Dwight: Just try it.

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Dwight: And you'll, you'll thank me for it, you'll, you'll feel

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Dwight: You don't have to be the one with all the answers, you don't have to have.

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Dwight: fulfilled every brief right away. I get it. It's a competitive world, but you can also just face people with a little bit of reality. Do you want this fast? Do you want it cheap? Do you want it done well?

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Dwight: You can only have 2 of the 3, which… which do you choose? Which are you willing to give up?

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Dwight: It may take a minute for someone to process that, but when you hear it, you can't help but think, oh wait.

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Dwight: Oh, that makes sense.

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Dwight: People are reasonable.

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Dwight: If you present them with, those are the options, or, you know, let's go one better.

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Dwight: Take an honest assessment of what it is that you're capable of and just start from there.

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Dwight: Start with, I know that you want to have X.

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Dwight: But… This isn't an X kind of day for me. It's going to be X minus 5.

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Dwight: That's the best I can do today.

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Dwight: If everyone's read in, then they know what to expect.

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Dwight: There's no disappointment that you can always renegotiate.

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Dwight: And I… I can't tell you the number of times that I've had to…

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Dwight: And to enter that realm, when I was dealing with the health crisis, that was one thing, but let me tell you.

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Dwight: That was just training for what would follow because grieving is something that

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Dwight: It, it sneaks up on me sometimes and it's, it's 1 of those things if you haven't been through it.

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Dwight: If you're fortunate enough to have cared deeply about someone, And…

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Dwight: then you get to experience their absence. You experience that loss.

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Dwight: then It makes it so that…

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Dwight: Everything takes on a different feeling. Colors look different.

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Dwight: Situations are… Just on a completely different level, you, you learn to.

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Dwight: appreciate the things that really matter. If you… if you don't have a sense of how things are, if you're living in a world that's completely transactional.

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Dwight: Once you lose someone that means something to you.

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Dwight: I can't tell you how everything shifts. You get… a profound appreciation for What is…

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Dwight: So precious about each moment.

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Dwight: And… I'll say that, during the, the, the onset, yeah, at the very beginning.

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Dwight: It was really hard for me to stop.

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Dwight: time traveling. I was stuck in a constant…

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Dwight: Conversation with myself about what if, what are, what are things that could have been done differently, how could it have.

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Dwight: Ended a different way, and… I, I was just in such torture and then also just thinking about.

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Dwight: Anxiety around the future and the the thing that really helped me to settle was going from that those extremes to finding how to be.

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Dwight: I'm completely okay with the present.

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Dwight: And to inhabit the present, and to not think about what comes after or what came before, but to…

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Dwight: be completely there.

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Dwight: I'll say there's an aspect of that when it comes to that whole idea of being the only one that can deliver on something. You can't just be the one. I would say that that's actually a little bit of a signal.

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Dwight: that you need to reach out to somebody when you feel like you're the only one on the hook. It can only be you.

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Dwight: I saw The Matrix, too, and I… I get how there's an appeal, there's a… there's…

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Dwight: A theme in a lot of the stories that we tell about there being.

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Dwight: A prophesied one.

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Dwight: I gotta tell you, with billions and billions of people taking up space on this planet.

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Dwight: We're not all that special. We're not all that unique. And, you know, that's, that is to say that, yes.

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Dwight: our own spin on something is something that makes us great. You know, we provide our own spice.

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Dwight: But when you look at things in total.

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Dwight: We're all just trying our best, and that's all that we can ever ask for.

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Dwight: So…

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Dwight: When you, when you look at

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Dwight: The demands that can… that can come down on us, and we… we're all expected to deliver, we're all expected to show up.

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Dwight: But we also need to give ourselves grace, as we do to others.

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Dwight: You know, we… we're all leaders of something, even if it's just our own lives. So, as a benevolent leader.

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Dwight: Give yourself a little bit of patience.

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Dwight: It's going to help you when it comes to being able to display empathy with others, because you'll…

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Dwight: you'll know that People are carrying a lot more than they might be able to let on.

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Dwight: And you also need to make sure that you lean into the gift of.

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Dwight: Community.

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Dwight: Of making it so that you can experience the joy of having.

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Dwight: a shared burden.

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Dwight: I know that there are so many ways that we're told these myths about there being superheroes that shoulder every burden.

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Dwight: But… That that's not really something that we should strive for.

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Dwight: The, the world is, is so much better when we share things, when we.

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Dwight: We get to tap into other people's wisdom. We have curiosity about how it is that they've figured out ways of doing things.

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Dwight: We also light up and we get to share our own journeys.

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Dwight: So why would you rob someone else of that?

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Dwight: That's one of the gifts that come from asking for support. You get to show up as a person. You get to know someone a little bit deeper because you had that authentic wonder, that curiosity about who they were and what they've been through, what makes them tick.

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Dwight: Now, as I share all this, you may have reflected… you may hear echoes of things that I've talked about in the episodes where

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Dwight: I talk about imposter syndrome or the imposter phenomenon.

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Dwight: You may remember that I talked about how we go through an imposter cycle.

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Dwight: And this feeling of loneliness is definitely a part of it, and it's something that I think that our society at large.

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Dwight: Encourages, it's perpetuated, and in a lot of ways, it's much easier to be sold something, to be sold a solution.

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Dwight: Yes.

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Dwight: you're just trying to figure out things alone. You're only allowing the voice of someone that's got something that they can offer to take it off your plate.

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Dwight: And, you know, we get in that situation when we have closed ourselves off to Those… those others who…

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Dwight: might have walked the path before, or, you know, someone that's had a completely different experience. They maybe have a different way that they're oriented in the world, and so they

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Dwight: Don't see the things that we view as problems.

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Dwight: As… in the same way, because it's routine for them, and

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Dwight: It's because we haven't tapped enough people on the shoulder that we haven't found those people that might have a better way that doesn't cost us more of our time, money, or, you know, become a research project.

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Dwight: You just need to ask the right person, and they can…

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Dwight: Turn us on to something, rather than having to…

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Dwight: White-knuckle it through an imposter cycle, where we think it's impossible, and then we come through in

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Dwight: No, we don't have to do that.

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Dwight: We can just reach out to our friends, and…

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Dwight: And find out, you know, things that they've tried and, and maybe.

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Dwight: It's a combination of things, not necessarily something that you've done successfully, or the people that you've asked, but through having those conversations.

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Dwight: You could come upon something new entirely and make it so that you can.

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Dwight: Sail through with with an innovative new solution and maybe discover something that you could spread to others.

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Dwight: Now, there's… Another…

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Dwight: aspect that I always hear at the edges when it comes to these discussions. There's a common phrase that we hear, it's, fake it till you make it. And I get where that comes from. I get this… there's a spirit of that that is helpful.

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Dwight: In the beginning, we're all just trying to figure it out.

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Dwight: And we haven't seen something from start to finish in some cases. So the best that we can do is just try.

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Dwight: And I get that, but this whole mentality of

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Dwight: Fake it till you make it. Be…

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Dwight: Be the boss and, and try to, to show up as something that you're not. Oh my gosh, that's taking it a little too far.

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Dwight: it… that is… That is not helpful.

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Dwight: There's… we've all heard of this concept of the Dunning-Bruger effect.

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Dwight: And…

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Dwight: that's… that fake it till you make it, I think, is the… the first ingredient in… in having a situation like that. And for those who…

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Dwight: Have no familiarity with this concept.

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Dwight: I would say it's a really fancy way of dressing up beginner's luck. So the notion is you have someone that's a complete novice that hasn't done something before and they are able to experience success. That success makes them feel like, oh, well, this thing can't be that hard.

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Dwight: And even though maybe along the way they're making all kinds of mistakes, they don't have a basis for understanding that.

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Dwight: And they have no idea who's coming behind them in their wake and cleaning things up so that everything flows normally. And they're thinking this whole time that they must be some kind of genius.

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Dwight: We don't have to go through that.

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Dwight: if we… Let go of leaning into that whole fake it till you make it.

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Dwight: And, and I get that, you know, there's a healthy way of approaching that, but I would say it's one of those things that

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Dwight: Where a little bit goes a long way.

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Dwight: There… there are reasons that there are

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Dwight: experts in any particular area. There's reasons that we have measures of achievement, why we have complete courses of study that people can go on to

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Dwight: earn recognition and achieve mastery.

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Dwight: And it's because there is hard work. There's… there's very few people that have

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Dwight: natural talent that's able to get them all the way there with anything.

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Dwight: And I guess since I'm…

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Dwight: I'm pulling apart the whole fake it till you make it and and talking about the ways that it feeds into those.

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Dwight: Beginner's luck, Dunning-Kruger effects.

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Dwight: I should also talk about… Some of the,

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Dwight: The other ways that we, we might fool ourselves into thinking that we're better off than we are, but.

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Dwight: Well… I would simply summarize it.

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Dwight: And saying that we need to.

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Dwight: lean into how community can be the mirror that we need. It can be A way that we can.

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Dwight: Have a view into ourselves that's nearly impossible to see because.

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Dwight: We are listening to our own soundtrack all the time.

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Dwight: I know that if you… Have spinach in your teeth.

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Dwight: No matter how hard you try to look by yourself.

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Dwight: You won't be able to see it, but…

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Dwight: If you hold up a mirror.

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Dwight: That's the only way that you're gonna have a clue.

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Dwight: Or hopefully you have someone that's kind enough.

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Dwight: to… Look right at you and be able to say you got something.

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Dwight: Right there, you know, when you don't have a mirror.

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Dwight: And in a lot of ways, the people that make up Our communities, our immediate circle.

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Dwight: And I, dare I say, those, those strangers that you might meet.

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Dwight: Hi.

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Dwight: I know that… a lot of ways it.

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Dwight: people might be a little bit more uncomfortable, a little more suspicious of others than they have been in past years, and that's because

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Dwight: so much has happened to isolate us. We spend a lot of times

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Dwight: a lot of our time on our phones or streaming

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Dwight: Entertainment, you know, we, we are entertained to death.

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Dwight: when… At earlier times, we got bored.

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Dwight: And…

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Dwight: When we got bored, we got creative. We made things. We made up stories. We made up new, cool

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Dwight: ways of entertaining ourselves. It could result in a… I…

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Dwight: A new toy, like, like this Slinky, you know, it's a spring that was.

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Dwight: Repurposed by, I believe it was a gentleman in the Navy that discovered that the…

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Dwight: The spring could walk and do all kinds of tricks.

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Dwight: we we don't. We're not gonna have as many of those opportunities to invent things, because

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Dwight: Boredom is has been.

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Dwight: Wiped out like it's… a disease.

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Dwight: We need a little bit more border.

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Dwight: I would like for you to try.

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Dwight: One experiment.

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Dwight: To… Try to get past.

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Dwight: This idea that you have to do it all alone.

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Dwight: and Just take a moment when maybe you're you're rubbing up against something that's maybe a bit challenging.

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Dwight: And even though your instinct might be to grind it out and just try to make it through the other side.

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Dwight: Why don't you… Just reach out to a person or two.

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Dwight: Share what's coming up for you.

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Dwight: And the beautiful thing is it could be someone that's in your field or someone that's doing something that's

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Dwight: Maybe they have no idea whatsoever, because the the creative stuff comes.

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Dwight: from people who… maybe haven't been suffering in that same suit.

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Dwight: And you share what's coming up for you, and I… Bet you'll be surprised.

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Dwight: At how, if you don't get

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Dwight: a solution from that person that you're you're talking to. That conversation is going to be the spark

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Dwight: That makes it so that you…

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Dwight: land on something that actually works.

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Dwight: So… I've enjoyed this time that we've shared together, and I'm looking forward to

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Dwight: chatting with you and future talks.

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Dwight: If you would… Please be so kind as to rate and review our podcast.

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Dwight: Really helps us to feel connected to those that.

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Dwight: that join us on this, and I enjoy having these little talks where it's just you and me, and I enjoy having those creative conversations where we talk to artists, makers.

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Dwight: Musicians, creators of all kinds, on all of the episodes that you'll see in our feed.

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Dwight: I look forward to… catching you on our next episode, and I hope you enjoy seeing what we have

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Dwight: over our library.

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Dwight: Bye for now.