#094: How to Get Quiet Team Members to Speak Up - 3 Ways to Build Psychological Safety

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Dwight: Counting down to make sure that the audio is okay. 3, 2, 1…

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Dwight: Thank you for joining me for another edition of Community and Becoming from For the Love of Creatives. I'm your Connections and Community Guy host, Dwight.

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Dwight: And I want you to stick with me, because if you do, you're gonna learn…

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Dwight: This… why silence is often just a response to conditions, not a lack of confidence.

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Dwight: Plus, I'll give you 3 small changes you can make for better thinking in any room.

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Dwight: So… Hop on board.

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Dwight: When a team goes quiet.

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Dwight: Leaders often assume that they lack confidence or ownership, or they don't have ideas. They think there's something going on, but they don't realize how they might be contributing to the very problem that they're wary of.

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Dwight: So… We'll go through that, and I'll let you in on a few little secrets.

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Dwight: People are often reading the room when they're not speaking up.

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Dwight: we're always scanning, and we're looking around, and we're asking the question, is this place safe for me? Am I gonna be okay here? Is someone gonna bite my head off for saying something that isn't in line with the way that things normally go?

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Dwight: Think about it.

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Dwight: What's your inner dialogue like when you're in a room?

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Dwight: Alright, so…

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Dwight: Here's the deal. Silence can be expensive. It can cost teams ideas, it can be an early warning sign.

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Dwight: It's… silence is what we do instead of having a productive disagreement.

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Dwight: And if we go into that realm of silence.

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Dwight: It makes it so that we are kept from having better decisions.

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Dwight: We just go along to get along.

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Dwight: People mistake silence for agreement, and they think that everything is okay, when really things are festering under the surface.

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Dwight: Now, here's the other side of the coin when it comes to silence.

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Dwight: It can, over time.

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Dwight: Teach a thoughtful person that their unfinished idea, their perspective, or their lived experience doesn't belong in that room.

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Dwight: Silence can be a precursor to someone just dipping out.

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Dwight: They look around, and what they're seeing in the weather of what it is that's allowed and okay and safe doesn't look a lot like them. Doesn't look a lot like what they bring to the table.

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Dwight: And so, they're gonna try to find their escape hatch.

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Dwight: it's… Not any big secret, it's just human nature.

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Dwight: Now, here's the thing. I want to give you

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Dwight: Three things to look for before you ask people to speak up.

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Dwight: So, that way, you can build a room that earns real participation.

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Dwight: You want people to show up fully embodied and fully themselves.

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Dwight: So, let's hit you with a big idea. If you've been following me for some time, you've probably heard me say some version of this before.

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Dwight: But I'm gonna say it here. I'm gonna say it loud.

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Dwight: People do not participate because an agenda includes the word Discussion.

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Dwight: They participate because the conditions make contribution worth the risk.

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Dwight: Think about that.

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Dwight: Put yourself in that space.

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Dwight: What's it… what's it like when you read an agenda, and you see that there's a block laid out for there to be a discussion?

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Dwight: And how do you respond? Like, what's your go-to? What's your default?

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Dwight: Does that just have you… eager to…

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Dwight: Write on a bunch of note cards and start shooting things into the room, into the space, to have some kind of a healthy meeting of the minds?

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Dwight: I didn't think so. We don't work that way.

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Dwight: So, here's the deal. You can't praise people into trusting a space that hasn't earned that trust.

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Dwight: And for some people, I get that maybe everything's just been smooth sailing. You're one of those people who's never had to deal with anything that made you feel uncomfortable or awkward, and you just thought that everybody was okay in every space. I'll let you in on a little secret.

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Dwight: There are a lot of people who have had to deal with wounds of being bullied, or being told that

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Dwight: they didn't fit the right way. They needed to behave. It could be the voice of their parents, it could be the voice of a bully, it could be something that's stayed with them and made it so that they are doing what they can to protect themselves and to stay safe.

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Dwight: And sometimes that means that they're going to share a little bit less of themselves in rooms.

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Dwight: Now, there are many, many of us who've been taught that

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Dwight: Our difference, or our early draft, our first attempt, or our dissent.

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Dwight: is too much.

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Dwight: It's not just a confidence issue, it's what it is that we've been told.

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Dwight: I get that there are a lot of people who may not realize that they've done things to either signal in a way that's just read through body language, or they've somehow…

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Dwight: Tapped into something that's a deep wound.

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Dwight: By repeating some magic phrase, or saying something that hurts on a deep level.

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Dwight: And it can be hard to move forward when we're hurt.

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Dwight: Now, if you want to hear a little bit more about this, I would encourage you to go and listen to some prior episodes. If you are a long-time listener.

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Dwight: You may hear some things that sound a little bit like what we talked about in episodes 86 or number 93.

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Dwight: But… In those, you know, we talked a lot about

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Dwight: What happens when teens avoid the truth?

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Dwight: this conversation goes one layer deeper. We're gonna talk about

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Dwight: What rooms teach people before the truth is ever even invited?

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Dwight: If you've listened for a while, you know that I love a good framework, and it's great for organizing ideas, and if you're listening to the audio version.

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Dwight: A framework makes it so that you can walk away with something, and you don't have to stop driving, or stop walking the dog, or doing the dishes. It'll stay with you. So, I'm gonna give you the one for this one. It's gonna have 3 things that I want you to hold onto.

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Dwight: These are the three conditions that invite participation.

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Dwight: Are you ready?

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Dwight: First condition.

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Dwight: Protect thinking time.

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Dwight: If you ask for ideas on demand, and you want immediate answers, you reward speed, and confidence, and familiar voices.

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Dwight: you haven't created the conditions for a good meeting. It's like you're trying to set the stage for there to be your own game show, where everyone's gonna buzz in.

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Dwight: You get everyone in that amped-up state where they know that they've gotta be fast, they've got to be loud.

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Dwight: Alright.

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Dwight: Let's style it back.

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Dwight: Let's try something a little different.

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Dwight: How about… We just asked the question.

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Dwight: And then let everyone write down a reflection.

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Dwight: In complete silence.

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Dwight: Like, that's a shift. People don't expect that. And…

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Dwight: Once you've seen that everyone's had a little bit of time to collect their thoughts, and you can read the room and see that things are slowing down a little bit, people are looking up from what they're writing.

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Dwight: Start inviting responses then.

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Dwight: Reflection isn't disengagement.

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Dwight: It's where better answers begin. It's…

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Dwight: How we allow time for people to engage their executive processes.

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Dwight: If you're gonna keep everybody in buzzerland, then you're just going to get that knee-jerk reflex stuff that's in the same space as fear, that whole fight, flight, or freeze.

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Dwight: I know it can be exciting to have people ready to jump in, and it seems like it creates a lot of energy, but it stifles

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Dwight: Any kind of… Deep thought.

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Dwight: And meetings are expensive. You're bringing a bunch of resources together.

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Dwight: Don't you want to get the most out of those?

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Dwight: Alright, so that's… that's enough for now on the first condition to invite participation.

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Dwight: Remember, protect the thinking time.

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Dwight: Second condition.

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Dwight: Let more than one voice shape the room.

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Dwight: It… it sounds simple, right?

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Dwight: If the senior person answers first.

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Dwight: People learn their role is to just agree, or just to add a little bit on. They're not going to be encouraged to think anything original, or, God forbid, something that might be a little bit

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Dwight: Off the beaten path of what they've seen is…

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Dwight: the way things are. Like, no one wants to be that guy.

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Dwight: So, here's the way that you set the stage.

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Dwight: So that you don't have it to where the person who's in charge Is the one who…

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Dwight: Always runs the room.

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Dwight: And you're shutting out voices, so… Here you go.

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Dwight: When you're in a situation where you've invited voices.

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Dwight: Make sure to hear 2 or 3 perspectives before The most senior person answers.

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Dwight: Sounds simple, right?

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Dwight: And…

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Dwight: If you want to try this, if you want to stick with the whole idea of using game show queues.

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Dwight: If you're running the meeting, Why don't you try… Having a little tent card.

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Dwight: It doesn't have your name, but has… this simple

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Dwight: Stage direction for everyone in your meeting.

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Dwight: have it say, The first answer should open the conversation, not close it.

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Dwight: It'll be magical.

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Dwight: All right, so reviewing. Remember, the first of the three conditions that invite participation is to protect thinking time.

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Dwight: The second condition that invites participation is to let more than one voice shape the room.

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Dwight: Alright.

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Dwight: The final condition to round out our framework.

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Dwight: Is to show that contributions change something.

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Dwight: Right?

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Dwight: If there's no point, then there's no point.

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Dwight: If nothing changed, then why did anyone even show up for the meeting at all?

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Dwight: And we've all been in those spaces. If nothing changes, and we know that we just have to be there.

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Dwight: Then, even though we might be their own body.

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Dwight: we're gonna be somewhere else. We're thinking about what's for dinner, we're thinking about our next vacation, we're thinking about anything, but…

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Dwight: This mirage of a meeting, Where nothing's really gonna change.

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Dwight: So, if the decisions are already made, and it's just a voice vote, or feedback disappears with no acknowledgement, or peop… well, here's the deal.

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Dwight: People will learn to conserve their energy.

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Dwight: Right? They… they have other things that they need to attend to.

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Dwight: So, they're not just going to be extras in someone else's show.

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Dwight: They're… They're just… Not going to have enough in the tank.

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Dwight: to… Give everything to… to just pretending when they feel like it doesn't matter.

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Dwight: So here's the deal, here's how we avoid those feelings.

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Dwight: At the end, you want to close the conversation by naming what it is you heard, What'll happen next?

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Dwight: And what remains open?

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Dwight: And if you don't do it.

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Dwight: Create a path for someone else to do exactly that.

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Dwight: And here's… here's the benefit.

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Dwight: Everyone will feel like something actually happened, and it mattered that they were in the room.

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Dwight: And instead of dreading a meeting.

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Dwight: They'll remember that experience, and they'll be eager

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Dwight: To be a part of the discussion, and be a part of the team, to make a difference and make things happen.

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Dwight: So, here's the deal. People bring their best thinking.

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Dwight: When they can see where it goes.

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Dwight: I'm sure that's true for you.

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Dwight: Think about it.

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Dwight: If you know that it makes a difference, you're… you're gonna fully show up, you're gonna fully engage.

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Dwight: And you're gonna be glad to give your best effort, because you know it made a difference. You know it's appreciated.

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Dwight: Yeah, there's a phrase I've been hearing quite a bit lately, and that is, What you appreciate, appreciates.

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Dwight: Now, I'll share with you a little bit of a…

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Dwight: a before and after. Just to give context, I've been…

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Dwight: in rooms where I've… I've had to deal with a person with a bright.

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Dwight: Personality. Someone that just filled the room.

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Dwight: And the thing is, As much as I admire, this individual.

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Dwight: She, unfortunately, was just one of those people that was…

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Dwight: taking up space as her default. She had a big voice, and she had a lot of grand ideas, and she was enthusiastic. Her whole thing was bringing people along. Her heart was definitely in the right place. But the thing is.

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Dwight: She was just a little bit too much of a force, but she lacked the awareness of how she might have been shining her light so bright that she wasn't giving other people a chance to shine.

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Dwight: It's…

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Dwight: It's a little sad, but, you know, we eventually made our way around to changing things a little bit.

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Dwight: But when people were in her presence in the before days.

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Dwight: It's like everyone waited to see, okay, what is she gonna say?

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Dwight: Like, where is she at with it? And then that would let them know what was okay to share. So people would just give the safest answers, and they would make sure that they only offered things that were ready.

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Dwight: And would… would fit the mood of the moment.

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Dwight: And otherwise, it just… it just wasn't said. So, a lot of things just didn't get addressed, a lot of things just kind of either festered, or swept under the rug, or…

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Dwight: A lot of great ideas just never saw the light of day.

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Dwight: Now, here's where things changed just a little bit.

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Dwight: I took advantage of some openings to be the person tapped to lead meetings, where this person was in attendance.

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Dwight: And… I demonstrated some of these things that I've shared with you just now.

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Dwight: So, upon asking a question, even though there were… there were people, she was one of them, who wanted to give forth, I politely

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Dwight: Gave the instruction that, well, before we actually hear voices.

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Dwight: Let's everyone take out a pen and paper.

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Dwight: And just… reflect on it for just a little bit. Just write, write your thoughts.

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Dwight: And we'll… Make sure that everyone has time to be…

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Dwight: In a space where they feel like they've… they've got something to offer.

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Dwight: And then, instead of just allowing people to start sharing exactly what they… what they had come up with in their reflection time.

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Dwight: I ask them.

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Dwight: to pair off with the person… with one person that was near them. And of course, it works beautifully, because in a room like that, people can, you know, just turn to their left or right, and they can start talking with one person, and they can share what it is they had.

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Dwight: Here's how that also changes how the room's configured. It's a completely different thing to be in a setting where you have a whole bunch of people that are listening, and if you're someone who's an extreme introvert, you might have an issue with feeling like you're in the spotlight, all eyes on you.

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Dwight: But when you can turn your head and you just see one person who's looking deeply into your eyes and listening to what you have to say.

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Dwight: And you can… Offer the same courtesy.

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Dwight: Even though you're in the same space.

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Dwight: It's like you are in a different room. It's a different set of circumstances.

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Dwight: And the people who would shrink in the presence of that person who has the big personality.

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Dwight: Are suddenly able to feel like they have their own stage.

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Dwight: And they're willing to share all the goodness that they have. They're willing to be an active participant

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Dwight: And they're… they're ready to… to shine in ways that… Might surprise themselves.

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Dwight: Now, the thing is, once… We had that little exercise where the people could

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Dwight: Share what it was that they had to say.

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Dwight: in pairs. We could then

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Dwight: Just have kind of a self-selecting little vote, where the people that were in those pairs could share a little bit about the experience that they just had, appreciating the reflection from another person.

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Dwight: And it completely changed the way that things were in the room.

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Dwight: And my person with the bright light, Nice.

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Dwight: started borrowing some of those ways to run the meetings, and let's just say that life became a lot better for everyone. Everyone started to give a lot more and feel like their voices mattered.

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Dwight: And the other thing was, people had

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Dwight: a feeling that what they said mattered. Their voices.

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Dwight: Well, they would lean into their voice, and they would… they would try

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Dwight: to show up in other ways. It's one of those things where the confidence, or the perceived confidence, snowballed. But, as I said at the top.

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Dwight: In a lot of these cases, it wasn't a confidence issue at all. It's just that… people…

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Dwight: You were using their internal identification of friend or foe, And they could see that Their perception was.

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Dwight: They weren't welcome there.

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Dwight: All of a sudden.

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Dwight: Just making a few shifts made it so that they saw welcome mats everywhere, and they were willing to give what they had.

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Dwight: And…

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Dwight: they enjoy more productive conversations. If there were issues that needed to be addressed because there were things that people didn't like, instead of letting them fester, they spoke up. And here's the magic thing that happens when people speak up about things that are bothering them.

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Dwight: They can get fixed.

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Dwight: How is that for being worth the cost of admission? When people are able to share honestly what's on their mind and on their heart.

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Dwight: Then, it can get better for everybody.

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Dwight: It's great when people can offer stronger ideas, when people can name a concern, and the group can arrive at productive decisions.

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Dwight: The other thing that's really great is

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Dwight: When we… when we have those conversations, and we can just play back what it is that we were able to bring into the room.

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Dwight: We can name who it is that owns what's coming next.

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Dwight: Everybody feels like

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Dwight: it's a good thing that they show up to those things, and they look forward to them. They're eager to… to be a part of those things, because

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Dwight: Unlike what they see in so many places, it's made common.

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Dwight: they… Are in a spot where Their voice matters.

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Dwight: And what happens in those spaces matters.

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Dwight: And here's the thing, those people didn't somehow change as a result of Being in that experience.

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Dwight: No, it's just that the room

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Dwight: Made room for them to be more capable, more honest, and to show up fully.

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Dwight: It was a different kind of contribution that was made possible simply because People are given the…

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Dwight: Given the attention and the… the space.

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Dwight: And they're not having to shrink in the shadow of someone else's light.

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Dwight: Now, here's the thing.

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Dwight: as you listen to this, I don't want you to think that it's about making every meeting soft, or slow, or comfortable, or, you know, trying to make sure that we

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Dwight: don't tread on anything that would be worthy of… of a trigger for every… every possible trauma. No, no, no, no.

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Dwight: This is about creating the conditions where people

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Dwight: can challenge assumptions. They can bring unfinished thoughts.

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Dwight: And take responsibility for the work.

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Dwight: A room that can hold early ideas can also hold better decisions.

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Dwight: Boulder Creativity.

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Dwight: And more honest leadership.

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Dwight: This is how we move people from protecting themselves in isolation

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Dwight: To participating in community, where they can thrive.

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Dwight: Now, as we part, I want you to think of a room that you're a part of.

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Dwight: at work, In your creative community, or in, yeah, in your creative practice.

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Dwight: Or in any community you're a part of.

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Dwight: What has that room taught you, is safe to say?

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Dwight: Safe to try.

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Dwight: Safe to own?

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Dwight: And here's the deal. I want you to share one answer in the comments, or send it through SpeakPipe.

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Dwight: You can find our SpeakPipe page at speakpike slash fortheloveofcreatives.com. It'll be in the show notes, don't worry.

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Dwight: I'll collect the patterns, and who knows, they could show up on another episode of the podcast.

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Dwight: And, before… I want you to bear this in mind.

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Dwight: If you're in charge of bringing people into rooms and trying to get them to show up and find their voices.

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Dwight: Just hold this close to your heart.

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Dwight: Before asking people to be braver.

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Dwight: Make sure the room has given them a reason to believe their voice will matter.

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Dwight: Thank you for joining me on another edition of Community and Becoming.

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Dwight: For the love of creatives.